Another adoption dream... Ramblings

I had a dream two nights ago and it's left me feeling unsettled. I don't remember this one as vividly as my last one but it is still "very there."

I've been trying to figure out why I've been having the dreams since we are ineligible to adopt at this time. We have several factors that have made us ineligible right now. First, we were approved for two more children in this apartment (due to the space) and Xander and Solomon will fill those two slots. We are not eligible through our agency until Xander has been placed for a year (that will be the end of April) and I'll be very close to delivering Solomon then.

And yet.. I have adoption dreams often. They stay in the forefront of my mind as I go about my tasks for the day.

Guess we'll have to wait and see....

True Love

(The picture above is one of my favorite pictures of both Brandon and I. It was taken at the San Diego Zoo in April of 2006 with his District Manager at the time. Oh! And that is Julianne in my very large tummy.)

I think I'm an abundantly blessed young woman. (That sounds funny.. I typically call myself a girlie... Let's try that again!) I think I'm an abundantly blessed girlie. I have a great life although it isn't "perfect," I do recognize that it is great.

One area that I feel is very blessed is my marriage. It wasn't easy, but we've been through some hard times and came out closer, stronger and more connected in the end.

You see, Brandon has loved me even when he felt unloved. I'm ashamed to admit that looking back, I didn't fully take my marriage vows as seriously as I should have. I had a TERRIBLE, failed marriage in my past and I was jaded. I didn't really believe in "til death due us part" or "forever." In addition, my mother had been married three times and had a quite dysfunctional marriage for 13 years of my life. (They've since divorced.) I spent the first few years of our marriage with a Plan B in my back of my head. And I often said "When he leaves.... " I had no successful marriage models to look to and honestly didn't believe that marriages could last anymore.

I tested, I pushed him away, I got snippy with him and raised my voice. I threw verbal low blows in an attempt to get a reaction. Friends, I am SO ashamed of my behavior for the beginning of my marriage. And yet, he loved me, he kept a quiet voice with me and he rarely reacted to my verbal low blows. He gently reminded me that he was in this for the long haul.. and if anyone was going to leave, it would have to be me, because he was going to be stubborn and stick it out. He meant his vows and took them to heart. I was his wife and the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

I look back and am just in awe. Would I have stayed married to me if I were him? Probably not. And yet.. here we are in our 5th year or marriage.. excited to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary on April 4. And yet, I can clearly see what the turning point was for our marriage.

In 2007, I did a Bible Study called For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men By Shaunti Feldhahn.

I did the study at a very hard time in my marriage... things were tense and felt very shaky... we had just been through a miscarriage and we were being pulled in a thousand different directions. Add in that neither of us are from homes with successful, lasting marriages but what the world saw as strong, independent mothers, and we were really blind and trying to feel our way around.

As I cracked open the book for the first night of homework, I immediately disagreed with the first chapter. I thought it was WRONG and when I asked Brandon and he answered the way the book said it was AND the Bible says it is (love vs. respect) I cried my eyes out and realized at that exact moment just how unloved he had felt. And it dawned on me.. If I had felt unloved for that long, would I still have been there by his side? I cried face down in the carpet in our study.. and right then our marriage changed for the better.

It was that very moment that I realized just how much Brandon really loved me. He WAS in this for the long haul. He'd told me over and over, yet at that very moment I realized that he had showed me over and over as well.

That Bible Study was a turning point in my life and marriage. I highly recommend it! It doesn't really matter how long you've been married... I sat next to women in that class that had been married for 25 years. I'm pretty sure you'll glean something out of the book. In fact, Brandon and I have talked about encouraging our girls to read it before they are married.

I've since changed my ways and apologized immensely to my husband for my terrible actions those first few years. And he has forgiven me and never brought them up again.

One of the things that our facilitator recommended was to keep a list of ways we know our husband loves us. Although I think that Valentine's Day is a huge marketing scheme by Hallmark, I figured I'd share just a few ways that I know that Brandon loves me.

- Brandon loves me enough to gently tell me when I'm wrong or when there is a better way to get something done. He holds me to our convictions even when I get weary and think things are "too hard" or when I say that I'm "tired" of being "so different." He doesn't correct me or confront me in public because he is very mindful of my feelings and would never embarrass me.

- Brandon picks his battles. In general, he doesn't care what we have for dinner, or what the children wear. The things he does voice an opinion about, I've learned are things that are very important to him and I try very hard to honor that.

- Brandon gets up every morning and goes to work. My husband went to work with WALKING PNEUMONIA once! He has never played hooky from work, and in almost 6 years of marriage, I can count on one hand how many times he's called out. He is a wonderful provider for our (growing) family.

- Brandon prays for me every.single.day. I've accidentally overheard his prayers for me... and they are the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful things I've ever heard!

- Brandon does everything in his power to protect our marriage and trusts me to do the same. We do not have secrets. We have an open door policy on email accounts, facebook, text messages, phone calls etc. We are never alone with the opposite sex. We avoid even the appearance of evil. Rumors hurt and can start to cause mistrust. If there is a situation that could be misconstrued, we come to each other and explain before it has a chance to linger or grow into something else.

- Brandon often jumps right in with whatever is going on when he comes home. Even after a 10 hour shift.

- Brandon knows me well enough to know when I'm fibbing when he asks what is wrong and I say "Nothing." He often can tell what is going on in our home, when he calls, just by the way I answer the phone.

- Brandon tells me every day that I'm a great mother, wife and friend, even when I struggle with my roles.

- Brandon has shown me Biblical Love. Not the Romanticized Love that is shown in children's storybooks and the media. I pray that each of my children find Biblical Love and that they each know how seriously Brandon and I take our vows. Our marriage isn't easy...but it is SO worth it! Brandon and I pray often that we are an example of a successful marriage for our children and that we change our family tree.

Ahh.... Dreaming...

After weeks and weeks of looking at snow (and being SO over it.) I decided to google for some warmer pictures to gaze at. I'm not sure if made myself feel any better. In fact, I'm pretty sure it just made me want to wish most of 2010 away to get to October... and our weeklong beach trip (which might need to be rebooked... but that is a story for another day!)



Here's my favorite:

A belly picture for the curious cats out there!

I've always been a curious cat.. and was told "Curiosity killed the cat" so many times that I could own a house debt free if I'd just been given a penny each time!

Since it wasn't paying off, I became a smart alek and responded with "But satisfaction brought it back." Those of you who know me in real life, can certainly see me saying it back right? *blush*

Anywho... I've gotten a few messages asking for a belly pic... so I figured I'd put it here instead of embarrassing myself on Facebook.

Before scrolling down, keep in mind that I wasn't a tiny mama to start with.. and this is my 5th pregnancy... things happen a little faster each time. ;)

Here is January 12... I was 16 weeks ish (I can't remember and don't want to count backwards.)

And here is the most recent picture I've taken... January 29th. (Again I'm not counting backwards)

I'm 21 weeks 1 day as I post this.. so you can do the math. :0) Remember.. be kind!

~Steph

I had a meltdown and it was ugly...

I typically only share things like this with very close friends, but I figure that if this blog is going to accurately portray our lives, I should share the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I have my flame suit on and ready.

Last Wednesday night, we visited a new church for their Wednesday night services. (Our 17th church since we've been here.) We were happy to get out of the house after a big snow the weekend before so we attended their Wednesday dinner and then wanted to go to their Biblical Parenting Bible Study. Since Brandon is currently working on Sundays for his new project, Wednesday would have to be our visiting day.

We packed up and went. We were all very excited and hopeful that we would find a place to call home. The dinner was yummy and seemed to be run well. A few people came and introduced themselves when we were eating and the nursery staff was very welcoming and assuring. Lainey's age group was a little unorganized. Julianne's class was well organized and she was happy to see "friends" (defined by my three year old as anyone that is a kid. LOL)

We went to our class and it was awkward and vague. It was almost as if the facilitator was afraid to pick a side of the fence to stand on, for fear of offending someone. We've seen it here.. alot. *sigh*

After class, I went to go gather our children and a man walked up to me in a very crowded hallway and loudly exclaimed "Have you figured out what causes that yet?" and motioned towards my three children and my obviously pregnant baby belly. A few other people laughed.

Let me pause here and say that I completely understand that the "world" doesn't see children as blessings. I don't see it that way and I have trouble wrapping my mind around it. But I know it is there.

But in a church? Obnoxiously asked by a stranger loud enough to make a scene in the children's hall.... I was floored. And for a split second, I almost wished I wasn't standing in a church. *blush* That's just being honest with you.

But I was... so I took the easy but polite way out. I used humor. I said "Of course! And we obviously like it because we keep on doing it huh?" and I winked.

And then I fumed during the drive to the grocery store. To be perfectly honest, I wanted to march back into that church and ask him what he was really getting at. Did he think my children were mistakes? Consequences of irresponsibility? And if I have too many.. which one SHOULDN'T I have had? And how does he suggest that I "put one back?" But I didn't... I fumed... quietly in our van, upset that my children (and the other children in the church) were exposed to such rudeness.

Coincidentally, in the grocery store, as we were checking out with our provisions for the next snow storm, a lady complimented my family. She told us we were very blessed, that our family was beautiful and the children were very well behaved. She also told the girls that it is "very exciting" that we are adding a little brother.

And then, I once again fumed on the way home. How is it that we are mocked and ridiculed in a church, for simply accepting the blessings that God has given us (and answering the call of the orphan)? And praised and encouraged in a grocery store? Doesn't the Bible call every child a blessing? The Bible surely doesn't specify or qualify which children are blessings, and which children are not blessings. #1 and #2 are not any more of a blessing, according to God, than our #3 and #4.

I tossed and turned that night while attempting to sleep... I was hurt and angry.

And the next morning, the tears started. I cried off and on for hours. I know part of it was hormones, part of it hurt from the incident the night before, and part of it just complete and utter homesickness.

But the tears came and they flowed. They flowed until my face was splotchy, my eyes were bright red and it hurt to blink. Brandon came home for lunch that day and even him holding me couldn't make my tears stop coming. I sobbed on his shoulder and left a big huge wet spot and he still wore the same shirt back to work. After several hours of crying, I eventually ran out of tears.

I am homesick. I am hormonal. I am the mother of soon to be 4 children.. and I love them deeply and fiercely. And I hate living in liberal, children-are-a-burden-and-inconvenience Richmond. I'm NOT sorry that God showed me what a blessing my children are. I'm NOT sorry that I *gasp* enjoy my children. And even when I start to think moving to Richmond was a huge mistake, I look in my Xander's chocolate brown eyes, and KNOW that God called us to be here. Without Richmond, there would be no Xander in our lives. And the addition of Xander makes it all worth while.

And yes Mr. I-am-going-to-attempt-to-make-a-scene-and-embarrass-you, I do know what causes it.

God abundantly blessing my life as I follow His will and ignore the world.

~Steph

It's a....... BOY!

Brandon and I had a blast during our ultrasound watching our sweet baby on the screen. I nearly jumped off of the table when she said "Dad.. it's a boy!" I think I said something really dumb like "Let me see what that looks like! I've never seen a "turtle" only a "hamburger!" She laughed and then showed me what she saw.

Little Solomon however was NOT cooperating for all of the pictures they needed to get. He is breech (which is fine at this point and not something to worry about.) I had to go back after my doctors appointment so that they could try to get the picture they needed of his heart. We eventually got it.

So without bogging you down in words.. here is our little guy!

As I expected, Lainey was thrilled and Julianne burst into tears. She is feeling much better about the whole thing today and even sat with me and "talked" to Solomon for a long time. She is three and still learning how to react to disappointment and not having things her way. I know the disappointment won't last long and now she has til June to wrap her head around having TWO brothers! The teams are even... for now. ;)


~Steph

Overheard in the Bee House...

I've heard some hilarious things lately and I really want to journal them before I forget them.

We were discussing our appointment for the ultrasound with the children... Lainey has been adamant that she wants another brother. She started praying for a brother after my miscarriage in early 2007. Then when we told her that we were going to start the process to adopt in 2009, she started praying for TWO brothers. When we found out that we matched with Xander, I told her there was a baby at the hospital for us and she asked immediately "What is my brother's name?" Oh childlike faith. Well she always takes the opportunity to tell me that she prayed for a brother and got Xander so SURELY God has heard her prayers for a second brother right?

Usually when she says this, Julianne gets huffy, crosses her arms and said "NO! I prayed for a SISTER!"

Someone will have a lesson about unanswered prayers tomorrow. *wink*

I guess DeLainey decided that she needed to start showing God some advantages of us being blessed with another baby boy... so the other night as I was walking by her bedroom door I heard "Dear God... please give momma a baby boy in her tummy... so she doesn't have to do so much hair before church." Thatta girl.. trying to plead your case yet remaining practical.

I've heard the following over the last few days..

"Dear God.. Please give my momma a baby boy in her tummy...."
- so that she can buy more shorts and pants. She is tired of buying so many dresses. (The girls only wear dresses these days so buying shorts and pants for Xander has definately been different. LOL)

- so that Xander will have a buddy to do yardwork with when we have a big yard. (Way to look ahead.. we live in an apartment right now LOL)

-so that we will have the same numbers. (She is very into "teams" right now.. and a boy would leave the boy team even with the girl team.)

- so Xander doesn't just have to throw a ball up in the air and catch it himself. He can actually play catch with someone. (I guess my little Tball player forgot that girls CAN play ball... and whatever happened to playing with daddy?)

- Because there are already two Daddy's girls.. and our Daddy only has two hands to hold and two legs for us to sit on. (Has she really seen Daddy's that have more than that? She makes Brandon seem incomplete or hindered. LOL)

We are very excited about our appointment tomorrow. I'm praying we see a healthy, wiggly baby. Once we see that I'll be happy to know the sex.... but having had a child that refused to show us at the big ultrasound appointment, my heart isn't set on it. I am thrilled to be pregnant and to be carrying yet another little person... and I love, love, love seeing the little baby on the screen! I know that we will ALL love the baby no matter what gender our little baby is! No matter who is been praying, it will be exactly what God has planned for us.