I don't know what to say...

A beautiful set of bracelets that a friend from high school made me. I put their inititals on the inside of my wrist so it is easier to read. It is my reminder of the little people that I have the great pleasure of hearing call me Mommy. The first Sunday I wore this to church, I got multiple comments about how gorgeous it was and when I showed them the inside, many of the mother's clutched their chest and said how perfect it was.

Tonight, we clutch our chests for a different reason. We are heartbroken. It feels like someone has reached inside our chest and snatched our heart out.

The last 48 hours have been a whirlwind with amazing highs and incredibly low lows. To go from the mountaintop of being told that we have ICPC approval to being told that we cannot come get our daughter, is a long way to fall.

And we've both fallen and the landing was hard.

I'd like to say that we didn't fall into the pit of despair. But we did. Thankfully, we both have amazing friends that jumped in and rescued us and set us on the side of that pit, like a lifeguard does for a drowning swimmer. They breathed scriptures over us and told us that they loved us and that they never doubted for a second that we did all we could.

We have no idea who He has intended to have join our family.

But we stand on the solid rock of His Truth.

He has not left us. He is still with us. He is Father to the fatherless. He has called us to build our family this way. He is not done telling His story. At the end of His story, He will have the glory.

I'm enraged that we could be treated so callously by a social worker. The fact that I had to explain the importance of permanency for Annalise to an "adoption worker" sucks the air out of my lungs and leaves me speechless. I ache to know that a birthfamily trusted this agency.

Everywhere I look, I see signs of her.

Clothing I washed and folded

Hairbows that were bought for her curly thick hair

Diapers waiting to cover her sweet bottom

A carseat that her big brother sat in when he was a tiny baby that I washed especially for her arrival.

A changing table that was purchased.

A crib waiting for a sweet 10 lb baby to lay in it

A stack of pictures that I carry everywhere with me, so I can show my friends who we are eagerly anticipating and constantly praying for.

A stack of papers that we gathered and completed to complete this process.

A tiny suitcase with a coral homecoming dress, matching hat and shoes.

An email box full of messages about her.

A file folder with her name on it.

A blanket a friend crocheted especially for her and mailed and a tiny onesie sent from across the country.

The dress I wore when we met her.

I know God is going to turn these ashes into beauty in only a way that He can. He loves me. He loves Annalise more than is humanly possible. He saw that we loved her sacrificially, just as we love all of our children. We were willing to do whatever it took to bring her home and care for her the best way that we could. We were obedient.

We still carry her in our hearts. We look at her pictures with fondness. We are better people because of her. We will never forget her smile and the way that love took us in when we met her.

And so tonight I go to bed with tears and swollen eyes and hope that I dream about her.

Heavenly Father, please help us pick up the pieces. Guide us down the path that You desire for us as a family to travel. We thank you for the brief visits that we were allowed to have with her. Thought we ache, we trust Your goodness. We love You and we praise You. Amen.

~Stephanie

Cancelled...

Yesterday, I did something that I prayed I wouldn't have to do.

I had to call and cancel Annalise's appointments. When we matched in July, I was given a list of specialists that we would need to set up appointments with. I was never given any dates for when Annalise would be coming home but was asked to find specialists and set up care with them.

So I guessed. I thought surely, surely, by September Annalise would be home.

That first appointment was scheduled on Friday, September 9th. And we've had to come to grips with the fact that she won't be home by then.

And then, I had to cancel the appointment at CHoP, for next week.

We are bummed. I've cried. But our hands are tied. We have done everything that has been asked of us.

I'm not losing hope. I know deep down, that God can still do it. He can. And as much as I want to believe that He will.. I have to be realistic and say that right now it doesn't look like she will be here in time.

I'm brokenhearted and I've cried buckets. Buckets and buckets of tears.

And I'd do it all again- over and over. She is worth it. She matters.

~Steph

Time to Play the Blessing Game...

So much is up in the air about our adoption right now. I feel discouraged and defeated...

A long time ago, I had a super optimistic friend that occasionally got on my nerves because she was so very optimistic. *grins * When she got down, she played The Blessing Game. I used to roll my eyes. But I'm of the belief that you can learn something from everyone. So one time, I tried it myself, and decided it wasn't half bad.

Today has been an incredibly cr*ppy day. So, what else is there to do? Play The Blessing Game! *blinks back hot tears of frustration*

1. I have an incredible man by my side to walk this adventure called life with. He's there no matter what-- through thick, thin and super thin to barely there! He's proven this over and over in our 7 years of marriage. We laugh together ALOT and we cry together too. He knows me inside and and out.

2. I have four healthy children with lungs that work very well. Both Solomon and Xander screamed the whole way home from the church tonight. We were there to meet the prospective pastor. Oh yeah and they screamed during part of that, too. The girls gave us the running commentary of what each of their brothers were doing in the van as they were screaming. I could just feel gray hair popping up!

3. God is always there to hear the cries of my heart. And He knows my thoughts before I say them. You know.. like when you are sobbing so hard that no one else can really understand what you are saying? He's got you!

4. Our adoption fund is complete thanks to an incredible blessing.

5. I have amazing friends that pray for me without me asking. Just today I got an email from one of them. She has no idea what an encouragement her words were to me.

6. I got news today, that my friend, M, that suffered two devastating late pregnancy losses is expecting a baby boy and he looked wonderful on her most recent ultrasound. I danced around the room and ran to tell Brandon when I found out.

7. Tonight at church, a couple that we are becoming friends with asked us how things were going and they weren't scared off when we let them know some issues that have come up. I have no doubts that they are carrying part of our burdens and praying for our situation.

8. Xander signs "Thank you" when you change his diaper. What a polite little fellow he is growing into. He also signed "Sorry" for acting insane in the van and then said "I lu loo!" (I love you!)

9. Solomon reached over my shoulder to pat my back when I hugged him before tucking him in. Sometimes the blessings are so little, you might miss them if you don't look closely!

10. Lainey saw that there was some work to be done when we got home and asked if she could do it for me. Bless her little servant's heart. <3

11. Julianne shared with us that she has faith that this is all going to work out and soon all seven of us will be together, forever! I love her optimism.. even when I am having trouble mustering it up in myself..

*smile* I am feeling a little better.

Please pray for the communication to be a bit more definite when we speak to the agency this coming week. Brandon and I feel very out of the loop and it has become very frustrating for us.

Trying to hang in there,

Stephanie

NOT According to Plan...

*sigh*

This past weekend we were supposed to go out of town.

BUT, last Sunday as Brandon was collecting the boys from the church nursery he overheard one of the workers telling a parent that they may want to visit the doctor because the child had thick, green mucus coming from their nose and they felt warm.

Nice.

Guess what? Wednesday, Xander started with a runny nose. But it was clear and after consulting a dear friend (who is also a Nurse Practitioner) she said clear was most likely allergies since something had just bloomed here. So we kept our Wednesday plans.

Thursday morning, Solomon was congested and sneezing. By Thursday afternoon, the girls were coughing, sounded congested and were sneezing. By Thursday evening, I had a sore throat and felt warm.

To put it simply, we were dropping like flies.

Thursday night Brandon made the executive decision that we weren't going out of town. Friday we were supposed to go to the National Zoo and Saturday and Sunday we were going to be in Lancaster, Pennsylvania visiting with fellow M.O.M.Y.S. and enjoying Amish country. Thankfully, the man at the hotel took pity on us and waived the cancellation fee given the circumstances. (They will remain on our list for future trips!)

The girls and I cried. :( It was terrible. I've been taking garlic, zinc, Vitamin C and Vitamin D3 and I still feel kind of puny. (Have I mentioned I have no spleen?)

Sooooooooooooooo... instead of our exciting vacation, we hung picture frames. Yup.. 14 months after moving in and we finally have pictures hung.

Seriously.. NOT according to plan.

The only positive thing I've been able to find is that we can move the funds that were supposed to go to our fun weekend, to the adoption fund.

That is my attempt at making lemonade out of a bunch of lemons. Still tastes sour to me. Bleh.

PS: Would you pray for me this week as we wait for news on Friday about my brother's sentencing?

Disappointment...

Stinks. It's something I've struggled to control my reaction to for well... my entire life. I'm in a foul mood. Frustrated, annoyed, and disappointed. I'm just being real folks. I never want to portray that I have it all together, because I'm human and don't. I feel emotions, just like the next person. Of course I have the added benefit of having God in my life... but it doesn't make me perfect.. if anything my relationship with God magnifies just how imperfect I am.... and how much I need Him.

Once again... we are in waiting mode around the Bee House. Waiting to find out what exactly we are in Richmond to do. Do we have another child here? Is Brandon supposed to get his promotion here? Are we here waiting to go somewhere else?

I'm not a good "wait and see" kind of person. *sigh* Again, just being real. But God has definitely shut the door on our most recent attempt to transfer out of Richmond. Brandon was passed over for a promotion... again. I'm not quite sure what happened. He looked like a total shoe-in and was even told so. *sigh*

So we wait... Today I choose to trust that God has a plan for us. Not sure what it is, but I have to stand on the Truth today so I'll be repeating a verse that we've clung to for years...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11