More Comfort through Song Lyrics..

Brandon and I bought this compilation CD just a few weeks ago. We bought it on a whim and had no idea how comforting the words would be...

Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little

They let him go

they had no sudden healing

To think that providence

Would take a child from his mother

While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares

We're asking why this happens to us

Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it and

Let the hatred numb our sorrows

The wise hand opens slowly

To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

If hope is born of suffering

If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait, for one hour

Watching for our Savior

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

Held,

~Stephanie

I don't know what to say...

A beautiful set of bracelets that a friend from high school made me. I put their inititals on the inside of my wrist so it is easier to read. It is my reminder of the little people that I have the great pleasure of hearing call me Mommy. The first Sunday I wore this to church, I got multiple comments about how gorgeous it was and when I showed them the inside, many of the mother's clutched their chest and said how perfect it was.

Tonight, we clutch our chests for a different reason. We are heartbroken. It feels like someone has reached inside our chest and snatched our heart out.

The last 48 hours have been a whirlwind with amazing highs and incredibly low lows. To go from the mountaintop of being told that we have ICPC approval to being told that we cannot come get our daughter, is a long way to fall.

And we've both fallen and the landing was hard.

I'd like to say that we didn't fall into the pit of despair. But we did. Thankfully, we both have amazing friends that jumped in and rescued us and set us on the side of that pit, like a lifeguard does for a drowning swimmer. They breathed scriptures over us and told us that they loved us and that they never doubted for a second that we did all we could.

We have no idea who He has intended to have join our family.

But we stand on the solid rock of His Truth.

He has not left us. He is still with us. He is Father to the fatherless. He has called us to build our family this way. He is not done telling His story. At the end of His story, He will have the glory.

I'm enraged that we could be treated so callously by a social worker. The fact that I had to explain the importance of permanency for Annalise to an "adoption worker" sucks the air out of my lungs and leaves me speechless. I ache to know that a birthfamily trusted this agency.

Everywhere I look, I see signs of her.

Clothing I washed and folded

Hairbows that were bought for her curly thick hair

Diapers waiting to cover her sweet bottom

A carseat that her big brother sat in when he was a tiny baby that I washed especially for her arrival.

A changing table that was purchased.

A crib waiting for a sweet 10 lb baby to lay in it

A stack of pictures that I carry everywhere with me, so I can show my friends who we are eagerly anticipating and constantly praying for.

A stack of papers that we gathered and completed to complete this process.

A tiny suitcase with a coral homecoming dress, matching hat and shoes.

An email box full of messages about her.

A file folder with her name on it.

A blanket a friend crocheted especially for her and mailed and a tiny onesie sent from across the country.

The dress I wore when we met her.

I know God is going to turn these ashes into beauty in only a way that He can. He loves me. He loves Annalise more than is humanly possible. He saw that we loved her sacrificially, just as we love all of our children. We were willing to do whatever it took to bring her home and care for her the best way that we could. We were obedient.

We still carry her in our hearts. We look at her pictures with fondness. We are better people because of her. We will never forget her smile and the way that love took us in when we met her.

And so tonight I go to bed with tears and swollen eyes and hope that I dream about her.

Heavenly Father, please help us pick up the pieces. Guide us down the path that You desire for us as a family to travel. We thank you for the brief visits that we were allowed to have with her. Thought we ache, we trust Your goodness. We love You and we praise You. Amen.

~Stephanie

Urgent Prayer Needed...

It's been a whirlwind here at our home this morning. I don't want to jeopardize anything by giving details but we would appreciate your prayers for this process to be smooth and without any further difficulties.

I feel like the rug has been snatched out from under us. :(

~Stephanie

UPDATE: We are CLEARED!!!!

After I found out that we had to provide more information to the state something changed within me. Deep down, I started to wonder if we would be approved to adopt Annalise at the state level. I wondered if we would ever get ICPC clearance. After all, they had already gone out of the norm by asking us for a child-specific homestudy and that required an addendum and more documentation on our part. Fear had started to creep in and I did everything I could to keep it at bay.

But I carried a tiny piece of fear with me. And that fear haunted me at night, when the house was quiet and everyone else was sleeping.

Today, ALL of that fear is finally GONE. I refreshed my email at 5:15pm just as I was sitting down from an afternoon of doing the seasonal closet switcheroo. And I saw it! There was an email from our socialworker with the local agency telling us that she got a notice that we got approval today.

Of course it was after business hours when I read this glorious email. So I immediately called Brandon and told him the news. And we both started dialing every number we had for either of the agencies and their respective socialworkers. We both left several voicemails, just in case.

We are hoping to find out tomorrow when we can travel and take placement of our newest princess. And maybe, just maybe, once we know when she is coming home, we can rescue our appointment for next Thursday in Philly!

We appreciate each prayer that has been said on our behalf during this process. I can never thank everyone enough for the prayers..

Just last night, I walked into church with slightly swollen eyes and one heck of a makeup job to cover my splotchy face. I had been crying but had to attend a meeting and other obligations. I pasted a nice fake smile on my face hoping no one would notice.

It was so incredible, that several of our new friends asked if we knew anything about Annalise's homecoming yet. Almost every time I turned around someone else was asking. I blinked back tears and told them no, that we didn't know anything more. I told them that I had already cried that day and that it was a really hard day for me. And each one told me that they would continue to pray. Your caring and attention to the details of our lives has not gone unnoticed. We are humbled that you care about even the tiniest details.

Thank you so very, very much.

~Steph

Cancelled...

Yesterday, I did something that I prayed I wouldn't have to do.

I had to call and cancel Annalise's appointments. When we matched in July, I was given a list of specialists that we would need to set up appointments with. I was never given any dates for when Annalise would be coming home but was asked to find specialists and set up care with them.

So I guessed. I thought surely, surely, by September Annalise would be home.

That first appointment was scheduled on Friday, September 9th. And we've had to come to grips with the fact that she won't be home by then.

And then, I had to cancel the appointment at CHoP, for next week.

We are bummed. I've cried. But our hands are tied. We have done everything that has been asked of us.

I'm not losing hope. I know deep down, that God can still do it. He can. And as much as I want to believe that He will.. I have to be realistic and say that right now it doesn't look like she will be here in time.

I'm brokenhearted and I've cried buckets. Buckets and buckets of tears.

And I'd do it all again- over and over. She is worth it. She matters.

~Steph

Hurdles...

Photo Credit

Last week when we were driving to Lynchburg to visit some friends (since we still had no power at Casa de Bees) I received a phone call from our homestudy agency. I was hopeful when I answered that it was good news.

I hoped it was our phone call telling us that the Interstate Compact process was done and that we needed to make arrangements to bring Annalise home.

It wasn't.

Instead, I was asked to address some specific concerns that were raised during the ICPC process. We were asked to do something that is not normally done during the ICPC process for private adoptions.

I was bummed. I was annoyed. And my frustration was almost at it's boiling point. I almost asked God, "WHY!?" We had had no power since Saturday, we were living in hotels with four children 8 and under (not exactly my idea of fun) and now this.

But I was scared He would ask me, "Why not?" Who am I to think that I'm so special that I should never have difficult or hard moments in my life?

Instead, Brandon and I discussed that we would continue to do whatever it takes for Annalise to come home. We are committed to her, in good times and in bad times. That is what parenting is about, biological or adopted, special needs or typical!

We told our friends about the hurdle that we now had to clear. They prayed for us.

Thursday, I had the pleasure (ha!) of typing a 4 page document explaining away these concerns and enclosing a 16 page document from our insurance company and a copy of a law.

I even managed to crack a few jokes with friends about how much better it would be to write this letter with a glitter pen instead of making a boring, old typed document.

I did it with grace that God provided. I did it with strength that God provided. I was almost joyous towards the end of my writing when I saw how easily the words flowed and all of the resources I needed were easy for me to find.

Before lunch on Friday, I saw the rough draft of the addendum. It was completed and mailed out the same day. (Amazing turnaround!) And now we wait some more...

Our socialworkers at both agencies have commented that we've been quick on our feet to provide the additional information and to set things up. THIS is God blessing this process, friends. Brandon and I have very few "connections" here... and yet (most of) the people we've spoken with have gone out of their way to help us or to give us information about someone that can. We continue to thank God for each of these blessings. Some may choose to see these occurrences as coincidences or happenstance. I see the sovereign hand of the Almighty, expediting parts of our process, so that our baby girl can have permanence in a family that loves her so very, very much. As much as we love Annalise, the One who created her loves her more.

Annalise, not a day goes by that we don't think about you, talk about you and wish you were here. We never imagined the process would take this long and we are doing everything in our power to get you home as soon as possible. We continue to pray for everyone involved: you, your foster family, your birthfamily, the workers at both agencies, the government officials that are completing ICPC, all the way to the postal workers that we count on to deliver these documents and the notaries that make these documents official. We pray that everyone does their jobs to the best of their abilities, with what is best for you in mind at all times.

Heavenly Father, we continue to walk the road that You set our feet on. We are continually amazed at Your planning for our lives and we are excited to see what our future holds as Annalise joins our family. Comfort Annalise and prepare her to join our family. Continue to encourage Julianne and DeLainey especially. Breathe hope and joy into their thoughts about their sister and keep them from feeling that Annalise joining our family is hopeless and that Annalise has been forgotten. Help Brandon and I with the decisions that we are going to be making about Annalise's care. We love You and praise You! In your precious Son's name, Amen.

~Steph

Why special needs?

We've gotten this question quite a bit. I've openly shared on our blog that we specifically asked to be homestudy approved for a child with special needs. In fact, I was a bit annoyed when I read our homestudy and it said were were approved for a child that is "healthy or with mild, moderate or severe special needs."

I remember turning to Brandon and saying, "Healthy children have less trouble finding adoptive parents. That isn't where we are called."

I know what God has put on our heart. We are commanded to care for widows and orphans (James 1:27.) When we prayed about how to do this, we were led to adoption.

Personally, I have always had a desire to adopt and I was thrilled. But in our case God has asked us to do something that we never thought possible. When you adopt, you get a nice neat little checklist asking which medical conditions you would accept in a child and you are asked to check "Yes, No, or Case by Case" for each condition. We prayed before filling out our form. We researched the needs we were unfamiliar with. And then we marked them ALL yes. It was probably the single most spiritual moment I've had in my life. I knew without a doubt that I was in the center of God's will. We trusted God to choose the right child for us. And without a doubt, He has.

Annalise's medical history is hard when you see it on paper. We are currently waiting on a copy of her medical records to arrive. In her foster home, those records fill a 4 inch notebook. Our girlie has seen more than ten different medical specialties in her short life. She has already had three surgeries. But when I held her 10 lb body and looked into her eyes, I saw Jesus and I knew that I am exactly where God has asked me to be.

Have you asked God where He wants you to be? And then did you listen? Or did you reason your way out of it? The sweet peace of being in the very center of where He has asked me to be is so peaceful. I sincerely hope each of you find the center of where He has asked you to be too.

Have no fear. We are not naive when it comes to her significant needs. But we trust that God will guide us down this path with her just as He has all of our children.

"...Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."
Matthew 25:40.

Disaster and the Blessings...

In my last post, I talked about one type of natural disaster. But today, we are talking about another: Hurricane Irene.

Brandon and I grew up in Augusta, Georgia. And one little quirk about our hometown is that if you are traveling and "lost" you just follow the evacuation signs to find your way. I happen to know that it REALLY works because I got turned around on the way home from Charleston, South Carolina, in my pre-GPS days, and tested my theory.

So we've never really dealt with hurricanes. Rain and storms, but never this. So we were naive. But we did the best we could with our (limited) knowledge. We bought charcoal, lighters, flashlights, batteries, and some food that didn't need refrigeration. I made sure we had plenty of diapers, wipes and toilet paper. I bought shelf stable milk for the boys. We filled our bathtub and large pots with water. We put our important papers in a Rubbermaid container with the diaper bags. We set that by the door in case we needed to make a quick exit from our place. We filled our van's gas tank. Brandon and I prayed that Richmond would be spared.

And then we went to bed. To be honest, we thought we over-reacted but locals kept telling us about when Isabel hit in 2003. Several people told us that they were without power for 12 or more days.

Saturday, Brandon went to work as usual. It was overcast and windy. At home, the power flickered on and off. But it always came back on.

Brandon's office shut down right before his lunch break. I was relieved that Brandon was home. I always feel safer with him by my side. We went about our business. The rain started and I laid all the kids down for a nap. Shortly after, around 5, our power went off. I held my breath for a bit, willing it to come back on. But nothing happened.

I was reading in bed, when a high pitch squeal started sounding. I woke Brandon and asked him what it was. He asked me what it was. It was so loud, I couldn't think. It was in our room, but no where else. I asked on facebook. Eventually I realized that it was coming from the floor in our closet. Finally we got through to our maintenance hotline. They had been inundated with people calling because they had no ac. (Dear fellow Richmonders, if you have no power, calling the apartment complex hotline for your ac not working is fruitless.)

Turns out, since our apartment is technically a basement apartment, we have a sump pump. (I had no idea what a sump pump is. Have a mentioned in Georgia we have attics, not basements?) Well when the power went out, the sump pump quit working and the water level was rising, so the water level alarm sounded. Lesson learned. We also learned from the maintenance worker that we had no way out of our apartment complex because there were trees and power lines down. He happened to be on property, which is how he got to us so quickly.

We hunkered down. The worst was yet to come. We opened our blinds for some light until the sun went down, reserving our batteries. Then at dark, we put the boys to bed, and let the girls play cards in the same room we were in so we would only have to use one flashlight.

We all eventually went to bed. Hoping we'd have power the next morning.

The next morning came and we woke up sweaty. Brandon and I had slept on top of the covers and the children had minimal pajamas on. We were all hot and it was getting hotter as the morning went on.

We only have large windows on one side of the apartment and the breeze wasn't going the right direction to come in. We had no cell service. Having to think on our feet, we packed just a few days worth of clothes, the milks (coconut and whole) from our fridge, grabbed some food
supplies and headed out.

We had no idea where to go really. We did get out of our neighborhood and saw that we had no street lights or traffic lights. There were entire power poles down. Trees had smashed fences, lines, etc. Gas stations were closed.

I finally got a little cell service on my phone and saw that most of the Richmond hotels were full from other evacuees coming into the capital, so we headed west, reasoning that the east would be worse off than we were. (We are on the west side of Richmond.)

We drove until we saw a decent looking hotel and stopped to see if they had any available rooms. We took the room.

And this is where we've been since. We did venture back into Richmond today to look for Brandon's phone that got lost in the hustle and bustle of trying to pack with four very scared and one absolutely hysterical child. (Xander does not take well to his routine being changed.. ever!) We did find the phone. The power was not restored and since then the outage line has backtracked and taken away our predicted time (that has since passed.) The food in our freezer and fridge will be a total loss. The line at the gas station was VERY long. Some intersections were manned by police officers. Every now and then we'd find one that worked. Some had no one manning the intersection.

Among all of this craziness, there are many blessings we've seen.

1. We received an email from the K's letting us know that they were praying for us and telling us of the preparations they had made for Annalise before the storm had even gotten to us.

2. We are safe. Some of us are frazzled, some of us are scared. But we are together and unharmed.

3. Our apartment did not sustain any damage from flooding. When the maintenance worker arrived, he pretty much told us to prepare for our master bedroom closet to flood. He even helped us move everything out and then he advised us to shut the closet door and lay a towel down. This was to help prevent our bedroom/entire apartment from flooding.

4. We had used a lot of our frozen/refrigerated food stores in preparation for the end of our lease. So we didn't lose as much as we could have.

5. We have an emergency fund (Thank you Dave Ramsey) that is taking a hit, but serving it's purpose.

6. My girls think this is a vacation. When we went back to check our power this afternoon, we thought to grab the swim suits. So we enjoyed our hotel's pool this afternoon. And we grabbed laundry soap, so we used their laundry facilities as well. The swimming helped burn a good bit of energy and that is helping my children fall asleep tonight.

7. Brandon and I have been able to rest in the Lord's plans for us. We believe that THIS is the reason that Annalise hasn't been able to come home to us yet.

8. We've learned a ton. We've learned about God's goodness and how to prepare better if there is a next time.

Thank you Jesus, for keeping our family safe. Thank you for these life lessons. We love You and praise You!

~Stephanie

MIC-KEY Button Info...

I won't lie.. I was more than a little concerned about Annalise's MIC-KEY button. However, I found a support group on Facebook and I spent some free time (har har!) reading their postings and watching their videos. The knowledge empowered me and I pounced on Brandon when he walked in the door one night to tell him all I learned.

But Brandon is a hands on learner. So I was secretly pleased when Mama K walked Brandon through giving Annalise her first feeding from her new Daddy! I watched on and sure enough, it was exactly like the video said.

Now I am certain that this is manageable!

We've gotten a few questions about what it is like and how it works, so I thought I'd post a video I found. This is how we will feed her all of her baby formula. She is working on taking things by mouth, but they have to be thickened to at least a honey or nectar consistency because she aspirates liquids. Maybe one day, but for now we choose to be thankful that she can receive her nutrition through another method! For now, her goal is to be a "social eater." That means that they want her to be able to sit at the table with her family and taste things. Like if she were at a birthday party, she could take a bite of cake, etc.

Annalise has a feeding pump that puts 1 cc through the tube a minute. So her 60 cc (about 2 fluid ounces) feedings take one hour. Then 3 hours from the start of her first feed, she starts again. So really, there will be a two hour break in between feedings. Her feeding pump will go everywhere with us. Her feedings are done at 6 am, 9 am, 12 noon, 3 pm, 6 pm, 9 pm.

Overnight, she has a continuous feed as she sleeps.

We are also using this video to show our girls how their new sister will eat. Of course, when I first told Julianne that Annalise doesn't use bottles, she thought I was going to nurse her "like Solomon." You should have seen her face when I told her no, not that way either. My poor little boogie-bear was SO confused! (Psst... it is possible to nurse an adoptive baby..)

Click on the link below. It will take you to You Tube.

MIC-KEY Video

~Steph

And we wait..

(A picture I took on our trip to Susanna's. Doesn't it look like a postcard? Or a puzzle? Absolutely gorgeous!)

Our Interstate Compact paperwork left the NJ office on Friday afternoon... All FIVE sets of 200+ papers.

This is the ONE thing left to complete for Annalise to come home. As soon as this is cleared, we can go pick her up!!!!

Pray with me that red tape moves quickly!

Also, please continue to pray for my friend, Susanna. She is waiting for paperwork and red tape to clear so that she can travel internationally to bring Katerina home. Pray protection over Katerina. They are expecting to wait about 4 months to return to her, but we are praying for it to be expedited!

His,

~Stephanie

Finally, a meet up with Susanna!

We took a little detour on our way back from New Jersey and stopped in at my friend's home. You may remember that we were supposed to go to a Memorial Day Picnic that Susanna and Joe host and that didn't work out earlier this year.



Susie had a very hectic day and was just eating breakfast (!!) when I called to let her know that we were stuck in traffic and wouldn't be arriving when I thought... That was between 2-3pm. (They were preparing for Susie to travel to meet their Katie-Bird!)


However, God had amazing plans for our meeting. One of her friends brought her supper that afternoon, so she was able to finish what she needed and didn't have to worry about supper prep. And it was enough that she asked us to join them for dinner. This gave us more time to chat!


Their house was our refuge after a few whirlwind days. Brandon and I were able to encourage Joe and Susanna in their adoption and the calm and peace in their home and their personalities were able to soothe our frazzled nerves. Of course, I was able to blabber about our newest baby girl and I had a chance to view a video of Katie! We also talked a lot about her upcoming trip.



Joe unknowingly really encouraged Brandon in their chats. I have found incredible support online through the MOMYS group and I often forget that Brandon is often lacking that fellowship and encouragement.


I did get to hold sweet Verity for a few seconds, but stranger anxiety has set in. I understood full well since Solomon is only about a month or so older than Verity.



I have to say that her part of Pennsylvania is GORGEOUS! It was very green and there were fields and livestock outside our windows for most of that portion of our drive. The area had a very innocent feel to it. Let's just say that there was a marked difference between it and Philadelphia. ;)


Susanna and Joe, along with their ten children, were gracious hosts. I wish we had more time to spend with them.. but as I said during our departure, I bet I have no problems getting Brandon back out there again! ;)


~Steph


PS: This was just the beginning of a series of blessings poured out upon us.... I can't wait to share all that God has done! AND Blogger is giving me FITS! I'm trying to upload a picture of a horse and buggy parked in the parking lot of a grocery store!

The Meeting

("Hurple", Annalise's lovey, picked by our girls, named by Little K.)

As we walked into the K's home, we were greeted by Daddy K, Mama K, Little K (their 9 year old daughter) and the adoption coordinator. Annalise was no where in sight. We shook hands, introduced ourselves and sat on the couch.

Little K asked who we were. I wasn't sure what her parents had told her so I looked to Mama K. Mama K said we might be the baby's new parents. The word *might* pierced my heart but as I looked at Little K to shake my head yes, I realized that her heart was being pierced at the same time. She's had 8 months of a little sister. She obviously loves our girl. I made a mental note that we should be mindful of Little K's feelings. She asked if we were her parents, would we keep in touch. I said that would be no problem as long as her parents allowed it. She smiled and sat at my feet, watching me carefully.

Immediately, Mama K said she was going to get the "the girl of the day!" And soon I had 10 lbs of sweet baby in my arms. She studied me hard. She could tell I was new. At first she had her body very stiff. I coo'd to her and told her how beautiful she was. I held her so that she could study Brandon too. Soon Brandon and Annalise were playing with each other's hands. To be perfectly honest, I had wondered about her tiny hands but soon she was gripping Brandon finger with her thumb and pointer finger. She has quite a grip!

Soon she relaxed and molded into my body. Huge smiles that take up her whole face were starting to show. There were a few times that we were speaking with the other adults in the room and she'd poke me to make sure I was still paying attention to her.

Every so often, I'd hear "Stephanie?" and I'd look up.. a bit embarrassed that I had obviously gotten caught looking into my new daughter's face and tuning the rest of the world out. It was just us, staring at each other and taking each other in.

I'm not allowed to publish pictures. But I'll do my best to describe Annalise. She has very dark brown skin that looks fabulous in turquoise, coral and pink. She has very long, thick eyelashes and very prominent eyebrows. She has a ton of curly hair that Mama K puts a bow in each morning. She smiles easily. Her cry is tiny and unlike anything I've ever heard. We only heard her cry once in the 6.5 hours that we were there that afternoon and that was when she wanted to come back to me while we were eating dinner. *grin* She bats at toys, she can spin around on her activity mat using just her feet and head. She has an effective pincher grasp on her left hand. She also grabbed our fingers with a very tight grip as if to say "Gotcha!" She has no teeth yet. She is very tiny and is just starting to wear 3 month clothes.

You can probably see why I was in my own little world watching her...

Soon the birthparent counselor came. She shared some details about her birthparents that we had not known. Soon all the agency workers left us with the K's and we continued to talk about her medical history. Mama K has a thick notebook with details of every appointment, every test result, etc. I glanced through it but it was far too much to read in one sitting when I wanted to soak up every second with Brandon and Annalise. She told me that notebook will come home with Annalise. She also told me what she believes should be the next steps in her care.

I shared a little book I made with pictures of each of our family members. Annalise studied the pictures intensely. We also gave her a lovely that the girls picked out. Brandon and I slept with the lovey so it would have our scent on it. Annalise looked at it for a long time, taking it all in.

Brandon connected Annalise's feeding tube and held her as she ate. We also watched her eat some babyfood applesauce.

We shared dinner with the K family. We talked about our faiths and just general life. We laughed together. We felt at ease.

A bit after 6 pm, we left to go check into our hotel. After paying a toll, we found our hotel with no issues. We could see the Phillies stadium from our room's window. I took a shower and got dressed again. Brandon did the same but when he came out I was asleep on the bed. He gently woke me and we set out in search of our bank and a real Philly Cheesesteak. Afterwards, we headed back to the K's to meet our girl's favorite night nurse, Mama J.

Mama J was direct and to the point. You can tell that she cares for Annalise deeply. She gave us alot of pointers about choosing a nurse for our family and that was greatly appreciated. We left encouraged and hopeful. Brandon and I crashed into the bed and slept without moving.

The next morning, we drove into Trenton (and paid another toll!) to meet at our agency's office. We cared for Annalise as the K's updated their infant CPR certification just down the hallway. It was a little more awkward being in an office than in a home and I was instantly greatful that we had first met in the K's home. We took a lot of pictures of Annalise. Mama K took a picture of both of us with Annalise. Brandon took a picture of Mama K and Annalise with me. Brandon also took a picture with Little K and Annalise with me.

I kissed Annalise and told her we'd be back soon and to be a good girl for Mama and Daddy K. I blinked a few tiny tears back and I snapped her in her carseat to go home with the K's. We all hugged each other.

Afterwards, we had a meeting with the adoption coordinator and the director of the agency. Parts were tense but I had such peace during those conversations. We were asked if we were sure we wanted to proceed. We both said YES! and soon after we were signing paperwork to start the interstate compact process.

After another toll, (I told you it was a theme!) we grabbed a bite to eat and we were headed south to meet up with a dear friend, Susanna.

Our Journey North

(I'm back tracking a bit... trying to keep records of this journey in great detail because let's face it, my memory isn't what it used to be!)

Monday we drove halfway to Georgia and met Auntie Karon and two of my nephews at McDonald's. We ate and chatted and then Brandon moved all of our carseats into Auntie Karon's van. It was hot. The air conditioning was broken in the McDonalds. We seem to bring bad luck to that McDonalds. Last time we met right after the tornados came through. Their air conditioning was messed up then too... and they were out of alot of supplies.

Then Brandon and I drove home. For about half of the trip we sat in complete silence. It felt weird and we laughed nervously. Afterwards we started talking about what expectations we had for the trip to meet Annalise. We also made a list of questions.

As we got nearer to Richmond, we got more and more nervous. Brandon decided that a chiropractic adjustment and a pedicure would relax me. So off we went.

Once we got home, we packed and headed to bed. There wasn't much sleeping done by me. I had too much to think about.

The next morning we woke up before the sun was up. We had heard horror stories of traffic in/around DC but we didn't run into much traffic there.

I was already a little tearful as we made our drive. I missed the Fab Four and we had alot of unknowns about our trip and meeting Annalise/our agency.

I couldn't keep the tears in though, as I saw landmarks in DC just as we heard a tribute to the Seal 6 team. God Bless the USA played during part of the tribute and the tears fell easily.

I'd never been to DC or travelled in the northeast. I was amazed at the sights and looked like a total tourist as I was attempting to snap pictures with the camera on my phone.

We were so unprepared for the tolls that we went through. Our GPS usually steers us clear of toll roads but we paid several on the way to the K's home. (Little did we know that this would be a theme of the trip.)

We made a bathroom stop at a Starbucks and Brandon convinced me to try a Starbucks drink. I don't like coffee but do drink cheap gas station cappuccinos and McDonald's frappes. I can't remember what he picked for me but it was a cold drink. This caffeine/sugar filled drink would later be my downfall.

About 2 miles away from the foster family's home, we stopped at a Wendy's for another bathroom break. I put my make up on and grabbed a drink. We were supposed to eat lunch before we came... but I was a ball of nerves. I started to panic a bit. My face was really splotchy and my hands shook. I fought back tears as I realized that the caffeine had not done a single thing for my nerves. I think I had a four piece nugget from Mickey D's. All I remember is trying not to throw up.

We did have a little comic relief though. Maggie (our Magellan GPS) decided to take us to the end of the road and tell us that we'd arrived. So we had to turn around and read the mailbox numbers to find the K's home. Brandon joked that Maggie was going senile in her "old age." She's almost 3 years old, but Brandon said that is like 60 in GPS years. (Like dog years LOL!)

For about three seconds, I didn't want to get out of the van and knock on the door. But I knew that our new baby girl was inside.

Could we handle her needs? Would we both be on board? Was this indeed, going to be our fifth child? As I knocked on the door, my knees buckled and I thought surely I was going to make a scene if I passed out. Slow deep breaths kept me "with" everyone.

And the moment that I met Mama K I knew everything would be alright. She very quickly went to go get Annalise and love took us in....

Sweet Peace...

(A quote we noticed immediately after walking in the K's home.)

I've been quiet on the blog because we were traveling to visit Annalise! :) Monday we drove halfway to Georgia to meet my aunt so we could pass off the kids. This prevented either of us from having to make the full drive.

Then we left bright and early on Tuesday morning and returned in the wee hours of Thursday morning. Then I took yesterday to process a bit and work on my ultra long to do list. Somethings just never change.

I've had several friends check in with me to see how I'm doing. The truth is that we really dreaded leaving our baby girl behind. There were a few moments that I had to blink back some small tears. But it wasn't nearly as horrible as I predicted.

Here is why:

We have incredible prayer warriors that have been praying for that very moment. The moment we would have to hand our baby girl back and walk away with an unknown return date. I specifically asked several of our friends to pray for that very moment. I even gave them the exact time that the transition should be occurring. It truly was a peace that passes all understanding!

Annalise's foster family is just jaw-droppingly amazing! I've tried to explain what I mean by that a few times and I never feel like I give my description the justice it deserves! Mama K and Daddy K ooze joy and their love for children and Christ! They welcomed us into their home with open arms, they patiently answered all 5 million questions we had for them, they've had incredible amounts of people praying for her from their congregation, they've hoped and prayed for a family to come forward for her... I just can't even begin to share all of the details that make them so incredibly special.

But I do have a few that I would like to take the opportunity to share.

• The K's have been fostering for 28 years.
  



• Annalise is their 76th foster child.




• They've adopted.
  



• Mr. K's parents were also foster parents.




• They are relentless advocates for children.
  



• Shortly after we sat on their couch they handed us Annalise. We did most of her care while we were with her.
  



• They invited us back in at 11pm to meet her night nurse.




• Mrs. K showed me a little scrapbook that she had put together of Annalise's 8 months of life. Precious.. sweet.. thoughtful... WOW!

As much as we want her home, we have no doubts that Annalise is being cared for in a loving way. The peace is amazing and it makes our wait much more bearable.

So much more to share,

~Steph

PS: Would you lift my friend, Susanna, up in prayer? She starts her travels today to go meet her Katerina! We had the opportunity to share a little bit of time together on Thursday.. but more on that later!

Tiny droplets of blessings...

4:59 on Friday afternoon is a moment of dread for every adoptive parent out there. It means your agency is about to close and except for rare occasions you don't hear anything until the office opens again on Monday.

However, this weekend was different. Friday evening I felt defeated and I spent a good amount of time in prayer asking God to please help me to stand the waiting.

Saturday I was shocked to find an email from our adoption coordinator in my inbox! It was confirming our travel dates to visit with Annalise and her foster family. It was a little droplet of encouragement and we counted it as a blessing.

So imagine my surprise when I got another email this evening, answering some questions I had typed asking for more information about Annalise. I sent the email on Friday afternoon and knew it had to go through the proper chain (our coordinator, foster coordinator, foster family and then all the way back!) so I wasn't expecting it back quickly. And yet it came. :)

Another tiny droplet to keep me going...

These tiny crumbs are helping the time pass more quickly.

But I think I've also worn this song out...

Praising and serving Him as we wait,

Stephanie

PS: Brandon and I moved our church letter this morning to the church we've been attending the last couple of months. This is a HUGE milestone after 2.5 years of searching for a church home and visiting a ton of churches (I lost count when we hit the 20's.) To my Warren readers- I have to say, you raised the bar very high! We love you and miss you! It was definitely a bittersweet moment but it feels good to settle in.

Things that make me giggle...

Remember my comment about giggling as I washed my counters after the phone call with the social worker?

I'm ready to share more... And it still makes me giggle and stand in awe of how wonderfully God plans things.

Here is just a few of the things that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up during that phone call.

1. I've always wanted a December baby... always. I know that sounds completely random, but well we all have random quirks right? (We currently have Feb, April, May and June.) Annalise was born in December. This past December we were in Disney and I kept counting our children (I do this pretty obsessively when we are in public) and feeling like someone was missing. Brandon and I had a similar experience right before I found out I was expecting Solomon.

2. Last March 2010, I experienced more adoption dreams than I have in any other single month. Adoption was SO on my heart. In fact, one major plus to moving to this apartment was that we could be approved to adopt again... Annalise was born 9 months later.

3. Among the list of specialists that we will be in contact with is an orthopedist. We have one that we LOVE. Lainey will be attending physical therapy... so will our Annalise. We know our orthopedist's views of adoption, because I mentioned the baby SB to her (he also had orthopedic needs.) She has an amazing heart.

4. The one transfer that we thought we desperately wanted for Brandon has no Children's Hospital nearby. Annalise needs to be near a medically resource rich area with several specialists. We were told that when it came down to deciding between a few families, that they looked at what resources are in the area. The local Children's Hospital is about 10 miles from our home and the Medical College of Virginia is just a little further than that.

5. But if we took any of the transfers that he had applied for, we would have been at least 12 hours away from Philadelphia and Baltimore. Philadelphia and Baltimore are where the main specialists in the CdLS field are located. Currently, Baltimore is less than 3 hours away and Philadelphia is about 4 and a half. *Every* transfer that Brandon applied for would have made it more than 12 hours away from these medical facilities.

Resting in His plans,

Stephanie

The Day of the Phone Calls

This morning, we made a zillion phone calls trying to connect with specialists for when Annalise comes home. I was transferred 8 times to make a single cardiology appointment!

Our Annalise has Cornelia de Lange Syndrome. We've known about it from the start. We had never heard of it until we connected with another adoptive mother that was advocating for her, desperately hoping to help the agency find a forever family for a sweet child. This mother also adopted a child with CdLS.

We researched.. we prayed and we sent our homestudy out. We've had so much peace about her. But we need to get things set up so we can transfer her care. So we called and got some appointments scheduled.

We also called the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (CHoP.) They have a Center for CdLS there so we will take her there to have specialists familiar with CdLS help us make a game plan so that she is getting the best medical care available. Our specialists in town will use that information as a guideline.

I've hesitated a bit to post about CdLS on our blog. We've mentioned it to a few friends who have all been amazingly supportive. I hesitated because I want people to see her for her, not just see her CdLS. Please forgive me for not sharing sooner.

When we spoke with the girls about Annalise.. we told them that she was going to look a little different than what they were expecting. She has two fingers on one hand, and one on the other. She has no radial bone in her arms. BUT before I could say anything else, Lainey interrupted me and said "But Mama... she is still fearfully and wonderfully made by God."

I swallowed hard, blinking back tears and told her yes, that she is still fearfully and wonderfully made. And then they ran off to play.

I wish the whole world could be so accepting. I know that people may stare. People may ask questions. We get that. But we've also fully embraced Annalise and just want the very best for her. We want her to be included, embraced and celebrated.

After our crazy phone calls with Bran on one phone line calling one office and me on the other phone line calling a separate office yet trying not to schedule things at the same time on the same days.. and after explaining for the 550th time that the earliest we can take her to be seen is September because she isn't with us yet but that we don't know for sure what day she will be here either... we packed up the kids, got in the van and left!

We went to Sonic for Happy Hour. Ya gotta love half priced slushies and sodas.

We turned the praise music up. I put my sunglasses on and spent time enclosed with 5 of my favorite people in our van. We thought about Annalise. I prayed as I watched the country fields blur past my window.






It was peaceful.. and another day passed which means we are one day closer to visiting Annalise and ultimately bringing her home.

Father, sowing Your Word into the hearts of my children has already returned fruit! I'm so thankful that You've prompted me to teach my children to memorize Scriptures. Please continue to look over Annalise-- prepare her heart to join our family soon. Give us strength as we count down the days before we meet our third princess. We so desperately want to hold her tiny body in our arms. Lord, help us to work out the logistics and order our steps so that we can transfer her care. I'm so thankful that I've been in contact with other parents that are parenting their special blessings. The wisdom that I've gained from them and the Foundation for CdLS has been so incredibly valuable. We love You and praise You. Amen!

~Steph

Disappointment...

We were hoping to be able to visit with Annalise this month. I knew that was a bold hope but I knew God could do it, if it was His will.

It's not.

This afternoon, we found out that our visit is looking like August 9-10. We will find out officially later this week.

Fourteen more days.

And we'll visit.

Then we'll come home.. without her.

The soonest she can come home is after August 24th.

It is disappointing. But we have to trust that this is His timing...

We'll continue to pray and wait.

And eat icecream.

My Heart Sighed...

This morning, Brandon was so excited to announce to our Sunday School class that we are matched and let everyone know that we are expecting Annalise to join our family soon. We briefly got to share the story behind her name and how old she was. We also asked for prayer for her UTI. Everyone was thrilled for us.

Then this afternoon, we met up with some classmates at a local restaurant to eat lunch and chat. I was able to let our new friends know that Annalise has some special needs and briefly got to share about them.

And they didn't blink an eye. It was as if I said, "Our Annalise has brown hair, brown eyes and one dimple." There wasn't an awkward silence.

But I know what was there: Acceptance.

I nearly burst into tears at the table. Instead, I looked away and took a few deep breaths and my heart sighed.

I can't wait to see how God uses Annalise for His glory. I wonder how He will use us as we parent Annalise. We are praying you home, Baby Girl and can't wait to introduce you to our friends, near and far, that are so diligently praying for you and us.

Father, as I look back over our journey the past few years, I'm always amazed. Part of the journey was painful. Some days were lonely. The pruning hurt. But the growth that I see in Brandon and I as Believers and the strengthening in our family unit, is nothing short of amazing.. Thank you!

~Steph

PS: The form does have to go to South Carolina. Our socialworker is going to call this week and politely ask that it be expedited. Pray that it returns quickly!!!

Specific Prayer Needs:

1. Annalise has an UTI and is on antibiotics. She was vomiting (they believed from the antibiotics) so they took her to the ER. That was the last I heard. Pray for healing and relief from any pain and yucky side effects of the medication.

2. 10 years ago I lived in South Carolina for a short time. There is a possibility I would need a form to go to SC and back before she can come home with us. (A NJ requirement not a VA requirement.) This makes us nervous because our form for Georgia like this got held up in our homestudy for Xander. Please pray we don't need this form. It only searches back 7 years and I have NOT lived in South Carolina during that time.

3. Please pray that our visit with Annalise and our placement takes place before August 17. Otherwise the soonest she can come home is after August 24.

4. Please pray for her foster family that has cared for her so lovingly while she has been in their care. We hope to be able to keep in touch with them. (We still keep in touch with Xander's cradle care parents.)

5. Pray for peace and comfort for her birthparents. They love her very much and we look forward to updating them just as we do Xander's birthmom.

6. Please pray for the children waiting patiently (or at least trying) for their sister. Julianne was in tears this morning because she said she just wants to see her Annalise so badly. :( We've talked about it to try to comfort them, but I'm praying for peace that passes understanding.

I cherish each prayer said on our behalf and thank you from the bottom of my heart!

~Steph