It is really 2:37 am. I've been unable to sleep even with the aid of two Benadryl capsules.
My heart is heavy. Brandon and I are feeling the urge to start another homestudy. I've kind of hinted around about it on my Facebook and with some friends and the general consensus seems to be that we are nuts.
How do you unring a bell? How do you unhear a calling? How do you unsee a need?
I've prayed ALOT that if this isn't God's will for our family to please remove the desire from my heart. And each time the calling gets louder. I've tried to ignore God... I've tried to tell Him that right now is not a really good time for this. And each time I do, He puts someone in my path to remind me of the plight of the orphan. Or He gives me a dream at night... or someone asks about our adoption story. It's almost comical how He has reminded us. And remember when I shared that I found our homestudy after we decided to move to a bigger apartment?
Two nights ago, I asked another adoptive mom for a referral for a homeschool friendly, large family friendly social worker. We need to update our homestudy for another adoption. Well.. first we need to move but that is coming.. March 20th! I'll be making phone calls to get a feel for the social worker's thoughts on homeschooling and large families. Pray for those phone calls.
So tonight, I looked around some adoption sites I belong to. Two girlies jumped out at me. Both have special needs. Both of them are 4. Yes, I know... drop your jaw like I'm nuts. That would give us a 7 (Lainey), 4 (Annalise), almost 4 (Julianne), 10 months (Xander) and a new baby in June (Solomon). Brandon and I sent an inquiry on both of them.
And now I'm up... unable to sleep. Like a mama waiting on her child to come home from a late night.
God give me the strength to do this. Remind me of your awesome provision for Xander's adoption. Remind me how You smoothed each wrinkle and I didn't see any of them. Show me the child You've chosen for our family. Put the right people in front of me to make this happen in Your timing. And give me peace to know that this is what You desire for our family.
In Your Son's most precious name, Amen!