I've had a lot of "headtime" around here. "Headtime" is time lost in my thoughts in deep introspection. I'm not sure I can explain it in a way that makes sense to all of my readers. But I'm going to try!
I'm stuck. I'm in a rut. My everyday is currently like that movie, Groundhog Day. Everyday is the exact same with just a few minor changes. Part of that is just the season I'm in with young children. Part of it is because we have chosen to homeschool our children.
And part of it is coping with Xander, who cannot handle lots of changes, right now. The tiniest change in our day creates absolute CHAOS.
I've lost me, somewhere along the way. Maybe that sounds like an exaggeration. Or maybe it sounds selfish. Trust me, I've battled those same thoughts on my own.
But there are many days that I do nothing for myself other than a simple shower.
I'm sure some of my readers are all, "Suck it up, Cupcake! You chose this." And my answer to this is: Yes. I chose to be a mother to five beautiful amazing people. I chose to become a wife. I chose to become a stay at home mom and a homeschooler. Absolutely. But I think that there can be a balance in there somewhere.
It's the balance that I'm seeking.
So I've started to think about things that I can do for myself to differentiate each day.
I've realized that part of my struggle is because I feel like things don't "stay done." What I mean by that is that most of my tasks each day are never ending.
Fed everyone breakfast? Great. Now do it again for lunch.. And dinner... and tomorrow start all over again.
Laundry? Never ending.
Cleaning? Never ending.
Homeschooling is a little different. The completion is so minute some days. I do feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the year but in the very same moment, my mind switches to the thought that I have X number of years left to homeschool this one child.. and then I go to the thought that I haven't even begun to start homeschooling the boys. The big picture seems daunting. I have approximately 18 more years of homeschooling ahead of me if we continue to homeschool through high school for all of our children, and that is if Isaiah is our last child. *gulp* See how easy it is to lose sight of the small accomplishments?
I'm trying to figure out what I'd like to accomplish. What would be helpful and not add additional stress to my family and myself? I don't know. But I know something has to change.
PS: We are going to look at FOUR more houses tomorrow. We did three last Saturday (one was absolutely ick-tastic!!!!) and one on Wednesday, bringing us to a total of EIGHT in 7 days. Please pray we find THE house soon!