Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" ~Isaiah 6:8
God never ceases to amaze me. I don't know why I am still shocked. But this Friday I had yet another chill bump moment.
On Friday, I took Solomon and DeLainey to our family doctor. Solomon had a weight check and DeLainey needed cleared for surgery.
Our doctor is a really neat guy. He has this amazing way of taking input from the patient (or the patient's parents.) He's pretty laid back and relaxed. He is a homeschooling father of six children and he "gets" us and our quirks. He understands the role that our faith has in our lives.
Anyway, so he saw Solomon and said that we don't need to do any more weight checks. He examined DeLainey and filled out the form that her orthopedist had sent.
Easy peasy right?
Except I knew what the next question was going to be. We'd called and spoken with him several times about Annalise. And I knew he would follow up and ask me if we had gotten the information he requested and would ask if we had any updates.
In fact, I was so sure he'd ask that I'd prayed before we arrived. I prayed for the tears to stay in my eyes and not come rolling out on my cheeks. I prayed that I would have the voice to explain what happened yet I prayed for God to let me continue to be the huge adoption advocate that I am-- Even when my heart hurts so.
See, Dr. P has been very interested in our adoption story. Not just interested in a casual way. He's been interested in an information seeking way. Slowly over several appointments we've been able to share bits and pieces of our story.
So I let him know that Annalise was not going to be coming home to use and joining our family and I saw the emotion flash across his eyes. A knot rose in my throat and I blinked back tears.
I told him that we loved her and we have no idea why God had intersected our lives for such a brief period of time. I told him that we may never know on this side of Heaven. He shook his head in agreement.
I let him know that we are grieving deeply and that this is such a loss for us. He said he could only imagine the pain that we are feeling.
I felt the need to continue to talk, so I told him that we believe that God is good and that we can feel Him holding us as we walk this road.
And then I felt the need to shut my mouth. (HA! I know some of you are thinking.. FINALLY?!? LOL!)
He shared that he and his wife are discussing adoption again. They had discussed it a number of years ago but that it had come up again.
And most recently, they had discussed the possibility that an adoption could fail.
I got goosebumps-- right there in the office.
We talked for quite some time more. We were in the exam room for almost an hour. (Unheard of for most doctors, I know but luckily we were his last patients of the day!)
He never said how it had come up. Had it come up because we have shared bits and pieces? Is God using Xander's story or Annalise's? Had it come up because he did the children's adoption physicals? Had it come up because we came to him for advice on Annalise's behalf?
Maybe he needed to hear that it was a hard road if an adoption fails, but that God is our Sustainer? Maybe he needed to know that people do make it through failed adoption? Maybe he needed reassurance from someone who had been there and done that, and really wanted to return the t-shirt?
I may never know. But I know that God is still using me- as broken and grieving as we are. As imperfect as this story is and as imperfect as I am-- He can use this and He can use me.
Use me, Lord. Send me!