Monday, September 19, 2011

Frequently Asked Questions: Adoption Loss Edition

This post will be honest and raw. It's just kind of where I am right now.

So, how are you doing?

Days are okay. The busyness of our home is a blessing. We are busy homeschooling DeLainey and Julianne, Xander is adding new language daily, Solomon is on the cusp of walking any day and fall programming has started at church adding AWANA and Bible Studies into our schedule. We are also busy packing for our move.

I still jump when the phone rings and check my email often. Every day I wake up and walk through the house expecting to see her things that have now been packed away.

Every now and then, something comes up that takes us by surprise. Like when I got an email asking to reschedule the appointments I had to cancel.

Nights are much worse. When it is quiet and the busyness has died down, I have more time to think. Sometimes I find myself over analyzing each phone conversation or email trying to see if there were signs that this wasn't going to work out.

The only thing we have found that might have been a small sign was a quick questioning when we were visiting. During the last day we were there, the director mentioned that another agency worker had brought up that we said that we would open to adopting again. It was a response to a question that we were directly asked by the foster care worker.

She asked us to clarify our stance and we explained that if once things were settled at home and Annalise was medically stable and thriving we felt called to adopt again, we would be obedient and that we were open to another blessing through pregnancy. The director pressed us further asking if Annalise would be the last child in our home and we said that we couldn't guarantee that, but that we weren't out just collecting children. We told her that we love and care for each of our children as individuals. The director seemed satisfied.

We felt at the end of that conversation like everything was smoothed over. It was never mentioned again. But that conversation haunts me at night. Should we have been more vague? Should we have said that she would be the last child and later said "Oh, oops, we changed our mind?" Deep down we feel like we did what we should have. We were honest. But at night the thoughts start swirling in my head.

Nights have gotten a little easier. I shared on Facebook that nights were hard and that is when I think of Annalise most. Several friends have committed to pray for me and I believe that the prayers have made a difference. I know over time things will get easier and that things like this just take time.

Are you still going to adopt?

For now, we still feel called to adopt. Some days the path seems a little unclear (domestic, foster or international?) Some days we are frustrated and hurt and consider stepping off of the path. But for now, we are still on the path.

Where are you in the process now?

We are back to waiting for a match. Our profile book was sent to the local agency we used to adopt Xander. They asked for a second copy and that book was sent to their satellite office. We have a great relationship with the adoption coordinator there and trust the agency. Right now, we are not actively seeking to match with any other agencies.

Are you scared to try this again?

Truthfully? Yes, sometimes. We have now seen the best and the worst of adoption. We've worked with a wonderful agency and a terrible agency. Thankfully, we have fabulous memories of Xander's adoption. We try to use those memories to help us keep perspective. Adoption does work and can be a wonderful experience. When and if we do match again, I'm sure some feelings will bubble up, but the adoption professionals that we work with have told us that it will be normal and they will help us through.

We appreciate your thoughts and prayers,


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