This post will not be the upbeat positive post that many of you have come to expect here at The Simple Bees. It is honest and real. Please be kind with your comments.
Mother's Day is a whirlwind of emotions every year for me.
Let's face it, I'm not the most holiday observant person. In fact, most holidays hold awful memories for me, so I like to keep things low key and spend most of the time leading up the various holidays compartmentalizing memories of my life. It's a method of self-preservation. And I've only gotten this far in life by the Grace of God and because I have discovered coping methods to keep me (mostly) sane.
I wish I could tell you that I have an amazing relationship with my mother, but that would be probably the biggest lie I could ever tell. We haven't had a relationship since 2006 and I am much healthier this way. But even though it is healthier for me and my own little family, it still hurts. It's raw. Especially on Hallmark Holidays devoted to the woman that gave you life and was supposed to build you up and mold you in a healthy way. She was supposed to be my protector. She did give me life despite telling me over and over she never should have. And she also tried to break me and my spirit in almost every way over the 22 years that we had a relationship.
Here's the truth: Almost everything I do as a mother is the complete opposite of how I was raised. And sometimes when I'm not quite sure how to react to something, I ask myself how she would react and do the very opposite on purpose.
Don't mistake my honesty for bitterness. God has brought amazing women in my life to fill the gap in an amazing way. I hold no bitterness towards my mother, though I am sometimes wistful about the way things could have been. I've accepted that this is the way my life is.
My biggest goal in life is to break the cycle created in my family. See, my mom has a very strained relationship with her mother. And her mother had a very strained relationship with her mother. I didn't meet my maternal grandmother until I was 12 because simply put my mother and grandmother had no relationship until then. Even then it was very strained.
I look at the little people I've been blessed with and can't imagine ever putting them in a situation where they feel that they need to end our relationship in a method of self preservation. The very thought of them doing so, makes me feel like I can't breathe!
So each day, when I wake up, I ask God to let me see my children the right way... as blessings. As individual children that grow and develop each day. Blessings that I never want to take for granted. Each day I point them lovingly towards the Lord. Not for selfish or manipulative reasons, but because He is a better parent than I could ever be. I pray for wisdom and grace often. And so far, it seems to be working.
God is good.
So today when Julianne carried my coffee to me, Lainey brought me waffles, Solomon carried my card and Xander kangaroo hopped down the hallway to our bedroom, I compartmentalized my own feelings about my own mother. Instead I looked at the bright eyes that were so sweetly loving me the best way they knew how. I remember the fight to get each one of them here and all the times I begged God to pretty please bless us with children.
I look at Lainey and remember my time as a young, single mama. She has taught me so much about how strong I really can be.
I look at Julianne... our baby after fighting a secondary infertility fight. My hardest, most high risk pregnancy to date. My csection babe.
I see our gap.. where we lost a precious baby and then a three year gap to another biological baby. Secondary infertility struck again.
I look at Xander and see two mothers that love him so! One gave him life, and one is molding every day of his life.
I see Solomon, our surprise and my squishy mama's boy.
I see another missing child, our Annalise. Tears still come to my eyes at the mere mention of her name. Some days the grief feels so raw and fresh...
And I feel little Isaiah kicking me within. My little miracle.
Despite my own issues, I am extremely blessed.
Today, I am saying special prayers for my friends fighting so hard to become mothers. Either through adoption, a struggle with infertility or the sadness of repeat miscarriages. I am praying for those that lost their mothers too soon, either to illness, death, strained relationships or abandonment.
I acknowledge that this holiday isn't a simple one, wrapped in a neat little bow. ((HUGS))