Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I had a meltdown and it was ugly...

I typically only share things like this with very close friends, but I figure that if this blog is going to accurately portray our lives, I should share the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I have my flame suit on and ready.

Last Wednesday night, we visited a new church for their Wednesday night services. (Our 17th church since we've been here.) We were happy to get out of the house after a big snow the weekend before so we attended their Wednesday dinner and then wanted to go to their Biblical Parenting Bible Study. Since Brandon is currently working on Sundays for his new project, Wednesday would have to be our visiting day.

We packed up and went. We were all very excited and hopeful that we would find a place to call home. The dinner was yummy and seemed to be run well. A few people came and introduced themselves when we were eating and the nursery staff was very welcoming and assuring. Lainey's age group was a little unorganized. Julianne's class was well organized and she was happy to see "friends" (defined by my three year old as anyone that is a kid. LOL)

We went to our class and it was awkward and vague. It was almost as if the facilitator was afraid to pick a side of the fence to stand on, for fear of offending someone. We've seen it here.. alot. *sigh*

After class, I went to go gather our children and a man walked up to me in a very crowded hallway and loudly exclaimed "Have you figured out what causes that yet?" and motioned towards my three children and my obviously pregnant baby belly. A few other people laughed.

Let me pause here and say that I completely understand that the "world" doesn't see children as blessings. I don't see it that way and I have trouble wrapping my mind around it. But I know it is there.

But in a church? Obnoxiously asked by a stranger loud enough to make a scene in the children's hall.... I was floored. And for a split second, I almost wished I wasn't standing in a church. *blush* That's just being honest with you.

But I was... so I took the easy but polite way out. I used humor. I said "Of course! And we obviously like it because we keep on doing it huh?" and I winked.

And then I fumed during the drive to the grocery store. To be perfectly honest, I wanted to march back into that church and ask him what he was really getting at. Did he think my children were mistakes? Consequences of irresponsibility? And if I have too many.. which one SHOULDN'T I have had? And how does he suggest that I "put one back?" But I didn't... I fumed... quietly in our van, upset that my children (and the other children in the church) were exposed to such rudeness.

Coincidentally, in the grocery store, as we were checking out with our provisions for the next snow storm, a lady complimented my family. She told us we were very blessed, that our family was beautiful and the children were very well behaved. She also told the girls that it is "very exciting" that we are adding a little brother.

And then, I once again fumed on the way home. How is it that we are mocked and ridiculed in a church, for simply accepting the blessings that God has given us (and answering the call of the orphan)? And praised and encouraged in a grocery store? Doesn't the Bible call every child a blessing? The Bible surely doesn't specify or qualify which children are blessings, and which children are not blessings. #1 and #2 are not any more of a blessing, according to God, than our #3 and #4.

I tossed and turned that night while attempting to sleep... I was hurt and angry.

And the next morning, the tears started. I cried off and on for hours. I know part of it was hormones, part of it hurt from the incident the night before, and part of it just complete and utter homesickness.

But the tears came and they flowed. They flowed until my face was splotchy, my eyes were bright red and it hurt to blink. Brandon came home for lunch that day and even him holding me couldn't make my tears stop coming. I sobbed on his shoulder and left a big huge wet spot and he still wore the same shirt back to work. After several hours of crying, I eventually ran out of tears.

I am homesick. I am hormonal. I am the mother of soon to be 4 children.. and I love them deeply and fiercely. And I hate living in liberal, children-are-a-burden-and-inconvenience Richmond. I'm NOT sorry that God showed me what a blessing my children are. I'm NOT sorry that I *gasp* enjoy my children. And even when I start to think moving to Richmond was a huge mistake, I look in my Xander's chocolate brown eyes, and KNOW that God called us to be here. Without Richmond, there would be no Xander in our lives. And the addition of Xander makes it all worth while.

And yes Mr. I-am-going-to-attempt-to-make-a-scene-and-embarrass-you, I do know what causes it.

God abundantly blessing my life as I follow His will and ignore the world.


1 comment:

Kristina said...

I'm sorry you had to experience that! I think your family is so beautiful.

Props for keeping it polite with that man. I don't know if I would've been able to under the same circumstances!

When other christians hurt me I always try to remember that christians need saving too. It helps...a little. :)