Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Gap

When I look in the picture in the header of my blog, I see something that most people don't. Of course I see four children, the youngest crying and the oldest trying to console him. I see two girls and two boys. I see that Xander is not the least bit interested in posing for pictures at all.

But I also see a gap in between Julianne and Xander, a baby that was in our lives that isn't in our day to day life anymore.

In December 2006, our Julianne was only 6 months old when I began to feel oddly. I took a pregnancy test and a line came up very quickly!

Brandon was in the livingroom playing video games with our friend, Chris. I called him into our master suite and showed him the test. He smiled and kissed me, I saw him puff out his chest a bit and he walked back into the livingroom where our guest was waiting for him.

And then my mind started racing. THREE? THREE children? Woah.. we said that we were "done" after Julianne! Julianne and the new baby would be 15 months apart. Much closer than the 39 month spacing between DeLainey and Julianne. How will I manage? What would people think? What would our families say? What if I had hyperemesis again? What if I am put on bedrest again?

Brandon didn't seem worried at all. He was thrilled. He was amazed that I was pregnant (while on the Birth Control Pill no less) after trying so hard and eventually using the fertility medication, Clomid, to conceive Julianne.

Slowly, I adjusted my thinking and embraced my pregnancy. Don't think for a second I didn't love my baby instantly- I did. I was just concerned about the logistics. I later lost that pregnancy immediately following my first doctor's appointment and ultrasound.

We were both devastated. Brandon says that the sound of me crying when they told me our baby was gone haunts him to this day and that he has never felt so helpless in his life. September 2007 came and went, without another baby joining our family.

Now, I am super thankful that Xander joined our family and then Solomon. But the pain of my miscarriage is still there and I still see The Gap.

Every September 19, I think of how we would be celebrating a birthday. This year, that baby would be three. No one really talks about our baby that died and that is probably the most difficult thing to deal with now. No one seems to remember or see The Gap but me.



Tanya said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. {hugs}

Grace said...

Love you Steph! Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart with us. While at this point in my life I cannot truly relate, my heart breaks for the portion of pain that I can barely begin to imagine for you. Blessings to you my friend!

Erika said...

Wow, Steph. I can't imagine how it feels to mourn like that. I pray you will find comfort and joy this week...and from what I've read/heard from others who have suffered losses like yours, it is totally normal to remember/mourn the birthday. I think it's healthy. Much love.

Lilyofthevalley - Tanya said...


Kristina said...'t even imagine.
I pray you find peace and comfort this week (and always) in the loving arms of your Father.

"Are These Kids All Yours?" said...

I feel that about our Hannah who went to be with the Lord. She passed one week before her adoption became final in Ethiopia.....I will always remember and think of her.

Praying for you