I can tell you about ONE thing..

You have no idea how hard it is for me to hold a secret. One corner of my lip always curls upwards when I know something and I'm trying to play "dumb." I'd be a horrible poker player.

Anywho, I got word first thing this morning that it happened. My ex-husband signed the paperwork we sent him asking him to terminate his parental rights so that Brandon can adopt DeLainey. It was recieved by our attorney and was notarized.

We filed paperwork this morning for Brandon to adopt DeLainey. The petition was sent and by now it should be sitting on a judge's desk.

I've waited 8 years for this day. Brandon has always wanted to adopt DeLainey. It's caused strife between the inlaws and I because they didn't believe that I had tried to make it happen. They wanted to make sure that Brandon's rights to DeLainey are legally recongized. I get it. But we've tried for years to convince him to sign and he said that he would never do it. I think the exact words were "over my dead, cold body."

I believe that my incredible prayer warriors had something to do with this (you didn't think I kept it completely quiet did you?) and I know that God has given me one of the greatest desires of my heart.

I can't describe the weight that has been lifted now that I know we are so close to legally making it where DeLainey would stay with the one daddy she knows if something were to happen to me.

I can't wait to change her social security card and such... She'll finally OFFICIALLY have our last name. The name that she has always wanted (and even uses in unofficial situations.)

YIPPEE!!!

PS: Lainey thinks it is REALLY cool that she will be "adopted" like Xander even though we've tried to explain that the two situations are somewhat different. Still she is excited! :)

Another Dream...

Early this morning, I had another adoption dream. My sleep has been very broken lately so I'm not sure if the dream was over when I woke up or if I interrupted it by waking.

Brandon and I were packing our large suitcases. We were planning to be gone for up to 2 weeks and we packed all kinds of things for ourselves and a little girl. We took the children to a friend's house and came home to sleep a bit before another friend came to pick us up to take us to the airport.

I fell asleep and woke up in a panic. I couldn't find my passport and I started tearing our place apart. I was frantic and kept repeating, "We waited all this time and now I can't find my passport!?!"

And then I woke up.

I, of course, have no idea what this dream could mean. But a few of the details struck me as odd.

• We were going to be gone for up to 2 weeks.
• Our flights were all planned out.
• I was panicked over not having my passport... which makes me think that we were traveling internationally. I do not currently have a valid passport-- Brandon has never had a passport.
  

Brandon and I have been at a fork in the road trying to decide if we are going to adopt internationally or domestically. I thought we were on the same page and that we were planning on adopting domestically. Guess we should pray about this decision further.

~Steph

Searching for Annalise

I've been quiet on the blog... things have been very fast paced around here. I'm not complaining when I say that, I'm stating the well... obvious! And I love every single second of it. All I've ever wanted to be since I was a little girl was a wife and mother. I can't imagine my life without Brandon and each one of my special blessings.

The call to adopt again has gotten stronger and stronger in my heart. I've read until I can quote facts and statistics. I've researched until the wee hours of the morning when I can barely hold my eyes open any longer. I've looked over photolists for waiting children so much that I can tell when they change the order or someone disappears. I can pick out the faces of children that are placed on the list as new additions. I've looked at several special needs and researched resources here in the Richmond area. We have amazing resources here!

Some nights I get a handful of hours of sleep before I get up to tend to the children we already have in our home. Some nights I'm laying in bed with my eyes closed but I never drift off... I pray for our Annalise often... now we just have to find her.

My dream last night had me so disoriented when I woke up. I had to walk through the house to check on the children.

In the dream, Brandon and I were walking down a long hallway. We could hear a little girl calling for us "Mama... Daddy?" over and over. Sometimes her voice was very loud and other times it was very muffled. Brandon and I walked down this corridor trying to open doors. Some doors opened easily, but our Annalise wasn't behind the door. Some of the doors opened and revealed another corridor with more doors. Some doors were locked. Still Annalise called to us. And we became more frantic the longer she called. We started running down the hall checking doors while we called out "Annalise!!! Talk to Mama and Daddy! Hang on, we are coming!"

I started crying out to God to show us where she was and finally the right door opened but the light was so bright we couldn't see her. And then I woke up, shaking and disturbed.

Brandon and I will continue to cry out to God, asking Him to show us where we can find our Annalise. In the meantime, we continue to save and earmark funds to bring our girlie home.

We are coming,
~Steph

Yes.. the time stamp is right

It is really 2:37 am. I've been unable to sleep even with the aid of two Benadryl capsules.

My heart is heavy. Brandon and I are feeling the urge to start another homestudy. I've kind of hinted around about it on my Facebook and with some friends and the general consensus seems to be that we are nuts.

*sigh*

How do you unring a bell? How do you unhear a calling? How do you unsee a need?

I've prayed ALOT that if this isn't God's will for our family to please remove the desire from my heart. And each time the calling gets louder. I've tried to ignore God... I've tried to tell Him that right now is not a really good time for this. And each time I do, He puts someone in my path to remind me of the plight of the orphan. Or He gives me a dream at night... or someone asks about our adoption story. It's almost comical how He has reminded us. And remember when I shared that I found our homestudy after we decided to move to a bigger apartment?

Two nights ago, I asked another adoptive mom for a referral for a homeschool friendly, large family friendly social worker. We need to update our homestudy for another adoption. Well.. first we need to move but that is coming.. March 20th! I'll be making phone calls to get a feel for the social worker's thoughts on homeschooling and large families. Pray for those phone calls.

So tonight, I looked around some adoption sites I belong to. Two girlies jumped out at me. Both have special needs. Both of them are 4. Yes, I know... drop your jaw like I'm nuts. That would give us a 7 (Lainey), 4 (Annalise), almost 4 (Julianne), 10 months (Xander) and a new baby in June (Solomon). Brandon and I sent an inquiry on both of them.

And now I'm up... unable to sleep. Like a mama waiting on her child to come home from a late night.

God give me the strength to do this. Remind me of your awesome provision for Xander's adoption. Remind me how You smoothed each wrinkle and I didn't see any of them. Show me the child You've chosen for our family. Put the right people in front of me to make this happen in Your timing. And give me peace to know that this is what You desire for our family.
In Your Son's most precious name, Amen!

Vivid Dreams: The Orphan Books

I rarely have vivid dreams that I remember... I usually can only remember bits and pieces of a dream about once a week. Usually, it feels very jumbled and confusing since I can't remember the entire dream and make sense of it.

But last nights dream was very different. The last few weeks I've had very vivid dreams.

Last night I went to bed and my spirit just was not settled. I tossed and turned, watched a few shows on On Demand, prayed, got up and walked my usual routine (kids, doors, locks, stove), etc etc. Nothing seemed to settle my spirit.

The last time I looked at the clock it was 6:00 AM. I remember dozing off but not being in a good, deep sleep. I was still very aware of the whirring of my fan.

In my dream, Brandon and I walked up a long flight of stairs into a large building. The door had a metal sign that said "Orphans." We looked at each other, took a deep breath, and walked in the building holding hands.

When we entered it smelled musty... like an old library. It was very quiet and I whispered to Brandon and asked where we should start. He found a seat after taking down a large, heavy book that was leather bound. The pages were tattered when he opened the cover.

In the book, there were pictures of orphans from all over the world. All races were represented and the children were from 0-17. Underneath each picture their country of origin was listed. I discovered every book was like that after I pulled several books down that caught my eye.

We sat there for hours and poured over the books.. flipping pages, crying and smiling at the sweet smiles looking back at us. It was hard for me to look in the children's eyes. So many had eyes filled with sadness, hurt and fear even if they had a smile on their face.

Then an elderly lady with a tight, silver bun came over and told us that we had to pick and that our time was almost up. Brandon and I held our breath and looked up at her and I asked between sobs.. "How do you pick? How do you decide one is more 'worthy' than another? They are all children!" She looked over her reading glasses at me, shrugged and then walked away.

She was pushing a cart with a stack of books on it. The cart had a label that said "Too Late." I can only assume that the children in the books stacked on the cart had "aged out" and were no longer eligible for adoption.

I heard a bell start to chime and Brandon and I were frantically flipping through the pages... We just couldn't choose!

And then I woke up--with a tear stained face and pillow. I've felt odd all morning... and I can't figure out what my dream was supposed to mean. I do know that dream shook me to my core.. and I'm sure I'll never forget it.