Dear God...

Dear God,

I know a lot of people write to Santa this time of year, but I believe in You, not Santa. I've seen You do amazing things and I'm hoping for some extra Christmas cheer this year.

I'm super thankful for my children, but is there anyway that You could give us good news before Christmas? As I watch the days tick by, I've come to grips with the fact that most likely, we will not have a new blessing this year, but could we at least have some news about a match? Or maybe just a glimmer of something so we know that we are still on the right path?

We've continued to inquire about some children without committing ourselves to any one agency and we've not heard much back. I check my voicemail and email like a maniac and nearly had a panic attack when I realized that my cell phone rode in the car with Brandon to work today. And then I overheard a conversation today that was like a knife in my heart.

I love You and I want You to have the glory. In Your most precious Son's name, Amen.

Tearfully,

Steph

No news.. is no news...

The last time I spoke to the adoption lawyer she told me that another family was in the process of meeting the requirement to adopt the little boy we inquired about.

She said that she would know within 2 days if it was going to work out for them and if it fell through she would call us.

And the phone hasn't rang.

So we have no news.

Honestly, we are thrilled for the little boy.

But we are sad.

Thanksgiving 2011 will look much different than we had planned. This Thanksgiving is Annalise's first Thanksgiving and we looked forward to celebrating with her. But we won't be able to.

We are trying our best to temper the sadness by reminding ourselves that we have much to be thankful for. I have four great children, an amazing husband, a warm cozy home. My husband is gainfully employed. We have the freedom to worship our amazing God. But in the quiet moments a lump rises in my throat as I walk past our empty baby swing, or our unused changing table.. and I realize that there is an empty spot in our family and in our hearts.

Some days the tears stream down my face freely.. other days I seem okay.

But we will make it through this too. Even in the sadness we are learning so much.

~Stephanie

Be Still...

I love observing people to see how they are wired. I especially love watching the people close to me and predicting their response and then seeing if it plays out like I thought it would.

Some people make really quick decisions and make them well.

Some people go back and forth, analyzing every option over and over. Then they second guess their decision after they've made it-- even if it turns out well.

I'm both in different situations. Sometimes, I make those quick decisions and sometimes I mull things over, changing my mind back and forth. Sometimes I allow the indecision to stall things past when I have the capability of actually making a choice. Other times, I make a snap decision and it works out well.

Brandon leans more on the quick decisions that are made well. He is drawn to employment positions that require this. He loves fast paced work. And luckily for me, he loves fast paced homelife.. life with four is anything but slow. LOL!

Why am I sharing this you ask?

Well.. in my previous post I asked for you to pray for us as we prayed for direction. Brandon and I both seemed to be getting the same answer.


And honestly both of us having the answer so quickly, made us wonder if we were reacting in fear.

We have the opportunity to commit to one agency for a fee and become an "official" adoptive family for them. The fee is pretty significant to us but we trust this agency and the adoption coordinator. The adoption fees are within our adoption budget. Our homestudy is written far more open than the current adoptive families which means that our adoption profile would be shown often.

And yet we feel like we are being told to "Be Still."

I know, I know.. I scratched my head at that one too and so did Brandon.

I can't tell you how many times I've wondered "Is this fear talking, or You God?" I've asked God this question repeatedly. And yet, Be Still continues to be what we are supposed to be doing.

Honestly, we feel at peace with this decision. We are still eligible to adopt. But for now, we are attempting to listen to the message and savor life with our amazing four children and live in the moments.

Trust me, I know how bizarre this all sounds. When I started my blogging journey it was to document my life -- the good, the bad and the seemingly crazy.

Somehow we do crazy really well.

~Stephanie

Best News in a Long Time..

Katie is no longer an orphan! See here...

In Bee tradition, I danced right where I was.. which happened to be the carwash.

Got lots of funny looks, but I don't care.

I promised.. just as God promised Katie to the Musser family. ;)

Hurdles...

Photo Credit

Last week when we were driving to Lynchburg to visit some friends (since we still had no power at Casa de Bees) I received a phone call from our homestudy agency. I was hopeful when I answered that it was good news.

I hoped it was our phone call telling us that the Interstate Compact process was done and that we needed to make arrangements to bring Annalise home.

It wasn't.

Instead, I was asked to address some specific concerns that were raised during the ICPC process. We were asked to do something that is not normally done during the ICPC process for private adoptions.

I was bummed. I was annoyed. And my frustration was almost at it's boiling point. I almost asked God, "WHY!?" We had had no power since Saturday, we were living in hotels with four children 8 and under (not exactly my idea of fun) and now this.

But I was scared He would ask me, "Why not?" Who am I to think that I'm so special that I should never have difficult or hard moments in my life?

Instead, Brandon and I discussed that we would continue to do whatever it takes for Annalise to come home. We are committed to her, in good times and in bad times. That is what parenting is about, biological or adopted, special needs or typical!

We told our friends about the hurdle that we now had to clear. They prayed for us.

Thursday, I had the pleasure (ha!) of typing a 4 page document explaining away these concerns and enclosing a 16 page document from our insurance company and a copy of a law.

I even managed to crack a few jokes with friends about how much better it would be to write this letter with a glitter pen instead of making a boring, old typed document.

I did it with grace that God provided. I did it with strength that God provided. I was almost joyous towards the end of my writing when I saw how easily the words flowed and all of the resources I needed were easy for me to find.

Before lunch on Friday, I saw the rough draft of the addendum. It was completed and mailed out the same day. (Amazing turnaround!) And now we wait some more...

Our socialworkers at both agencies have commented that we've been quick on our feet to provide the additional information and to set things up. THIS is God blessing this process, friends. Brandon and I have very few "connections" here... and yet (most of) the people we've spoken with have gone out of their way to help us or to give us information about someone that can. We continue to thank God for each of these blessings. Some may choose to see these occurrences as coincidences or happenstance. I see the sovereign hand of the Almighty, expediting parts of our process, so that our baby girl can have permanence in a family that loves her so very, very much. As much as we love Annalise, the One who created her loves her more.

Annalise, not a day goes by that we don't think about you, talk about you and wish you were here. We never imagined the process would take this long and we are doing everything in our power to get you home as soon as possible. We continue to pray for everyone involved: you, your foster family, your birthfamily, the workers at both agencies, the government officials that are completing ICPC, all the way to the postal workers that we count on to deliver these documents and the notaries that make these documents official. We pray that everyone does their jobs to the best of their abilities, with what is best for you in mind at all times.

Heavenly Father, we continue to walk the road that You set our feet on. We are continually amazed at Your planning for our lives and we are excited to see what our future holds as Annalise joins our family. Comfort Annalise and prepare her to join our family. Continue to encourage Julianne and DeLainey especially. Breathe hope and joy into their thoughts about their sister and keep them from feeling that Annalise joining our family is hopeless and that Annalise has been forgotten. Help Brandon and I with the decisions that we are going to be making about Annalise's care. We love You and praise You! In your precious Son's name, Amen.

~Steph

Our Journey North

(I'm back tracking a bit... trying to keep records of this journey in great detail because let's face it, my memory isn't what it used to be!)

Monday we drove halfway to Georgia and met Auntie Karon and two of my nephews at McDonald's. We ate and chatted and then Brandon moved all of our carseats into Auntie Karon's van. It was hot. The air conditioning was broken in the McDonalds. We seem to bring bad luck to that McDonalds. Last time we met right after the tornados came through. Their air conditioning was messed up then too... and they were out of alot of supplies.

Then Brandon and I drove home. For about half of the trip we sat in complete silence. It felt weird and we laughed nervously. Afterwards we started talking about what expectations we had for the trip to meet Annalise. We also made a list of questions.

As we got nearer to Richmond, we got more and more nervous. Brandon decided that a chiropractic adjustment and a pedicure would relax me. So off we went.

Once we got home, we packed and headed to bed. There wasn't much sleeping done by me. I had too much to think about.

The next morning we woke up before the sun was up. We had heard horror stories of traffic in/around DC but we didn't run into much traffic there.

I was already a little tearful as we made our drive. I missed the Fab Four and we had alot of unknowns about our trip and meeting Annalise/our agency.

I couldn't keep the tears in though, as I saw landmarks in DC just as we heard a tribute to the Seal 6 team. God Bless the USA played during part of the tribute and the tears fell easily.

I'd never been to DC or travelled in the northeast. I was amazed at the sights and looked like a total tourist as I was attempting to snap pictures with the camera on my phone.

We were so unprepared for the tolls that we went through. Our GPS usually steers us clear of toll roads but we paid several on the way to the K's home. (Little did we know that this would be a theme of the trip.)

We made a bathroom stop at a Starbucks and Brandon convinced me to try a Starbucks drink. I don't like coffee but do drink cheap gas station cappuccinos and McDonald's frappes. I can't remember what he picked for me but it was a cold drink. This caffeine/sugar filled drink would later be my downfall.

About 2 miles away from the foster family's home, we stopped at a Wendy's for another bathroom break. I put my make up on and grabbed a drink. We were supposed to eat lunch before we came... but I was a ball of nerves. I started to panic a bit. My face was really splotchy and my hands shook. I fought back tears as I realized that the caffeine had not done a single thing for my nerves. I think I had a four piece nugget from Mickey D's. All I remember is trying not to throw up.

We did have a little comic relief though. Maggie (our Magellan GPS) decided to take us to the end of the road and tell us that we'd arrived. So we had to turn around and read the mailbox numbers to find the K's home. Brandon joked that Maggie was going senile in her "old age." She's almost 3 years old, but Brandon said that is like 60 in GPS years. (Like dog years LOL!)

For about three seconds, I didn't want to get out of the van and knock on the door. But I knew that our new baby girl was inside.

Could we handle her needs? Would we both be on board? Was this indeed, going to be our fifth child? As I knocked on the door, my knees buckled and I thought surely I was going to make a scene if I passed out. Slow deep breaths kept me "with" everyone.

And the moment that I met Mama K I knew everything would be alright. She very quickly went to go get Annalise and love took us in....

Time to Play the Blessing Game...

So much is up in the air about our adoption right now. I feel discouraged and defeated...

A long time ago, I had a super optimistic friend that occasionally got on my nerves because she was so very optimistic. *grins * When she got down, she played The Blessing Game. I used to roll my eyes. But I'm of the belief that you can learn something from everyone. So one time, I tried it myself, and decided it wasn't half bad.

Today has been an incredibly cr*ppy day. So, what else is there to do? Play The Blessing Game! *blinks back hot tears of frustration*

1. I have an incredible man by my side to walk this adventure called life with. He's there no matter what-- through thick, thin and super thin to barely there! He's proven this over and over in our 7 years of marriage. We laugh together ALOT and we cry together too. He knows me inside and and out.

2. I have four healthy children with lungs that work very well. Both Solomon and Xander screamed the whole way home from the church tonight. We were there to meet the prospective pastor. Oh yeah and they screamed during part of that, too. The girls gave us the running commentary of what each of their brothers were doing in the van as they were screaming. I could just feel gray hair popping up!

3. God is always there to hear the cries of my heart. And He knows my thoughts before I say them. You know.. like when you are sobbing so hard that no one else can really understand what you are saying? He's got you!

4. Our adoption fund is complete thanks to an incredible blessing.

5. I have amazing friends that pray for me without me asking. Just today I got an email from one of them. She has no idea what an encouragement her words were to me.

6. I got news today, that my friend, M, that suffered two devastating late pregnancy losses is expecting a baby boy and he looked wonderful on her most recent ultrasound. I danced around the room and ran to tell Brandon when I found out.

7. Tonight at church, a couple that we are becoming friends with asked us how things were going and they weren't scared off when we let them know some issues that have come up. I have no doubts that they are carrying part of our burdens and praying for our situation.

8. Xander signs "Thank you" when you change his diaper. What a polite little fellow he is growing into. He also signed "Sorry" for acting insane in the van and then said "I lu loo!" (I love you!)

9. Solomon reached over my shoulder to pat my back when I hugged him before tucking him in. Sometimes the blessings are so little, you might miss them if you don't look closely!

10. Lainey saw that there was some work to be done when we got home and asked if she could do it for me. Bless her little servant's heart. <3

11. Julianne shared with us that she has faith that this is all going to work out and soon all seven of us will be together, forever! I love her optimism.. even when I am having trouble mustering it up in myself..

*smile* I am feeling a little better.

Please pray for the communication to be a bit more definite when we speak to the agency this coming week. Brandon and I feel very out of the loop and it has become very frustrating for us.

Trying to hang in there,

Stephanie

Things that make me giggle...

Remember my comment about giggling as I washed my counters after the phone call with the social worker?

I'm ready to share more... And it still makes me giggle and stand in awe of how wonderfully God plans things.

Here is just a few of the things that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up during that phone call.

1. I've always wanted a December baby... always. I know that sounds completely random, but well we all have random quirks right? (We currently have Feb, April, May and June.) Annalise was born in December. This past December we were in Disney and I kept counting our children (I do this pretty obsessively when we are in public) and feeling like someone was missing. Brandon and I had a similar experience right before I found out I was expecting Solomon.

2. Last March 2010, I experienced more adoption dreams than I have in any other single month. Adoption was SO on my heart. In fact, one major plus to moving to this apartment was that we could be approved to adopt again... Annalise was born 9 months later.

3. Among the list of specialists that we will be in contact with is an orthopedist. We have one that we LOVE. Lainey will be attending physical therapy... so will our Annalise. We know our orthopedist's views of adoption, because I mentioned the baby SB to her (he also had orthopedic needs.) She has an amazing heart.

4. The one transfer that we thought we desperately wanted for Brandon has no Children's Hospital nearby. Annalise needs to be near a medically resource rich area with several specialists. We were told that when it came down to deciding between a few families, that they looked at what resources are in the area. The local Children's Hospital is about 10 miles from our home and the Medical College of Virginia is just a little further than that.

5. But if we took any of the transfers that he had applied for, we would have been at least 12 hours away from Philadelphia and Baltimore. Philadelphia and Baltimore are where the main specialists in the CdLS field are located. Currently, Baltimore is less than 3 hours away and Philadelphia is about 4 and a half. *Every* transfer that Brandon applied for would have made it more than 12 hours away from these medical facilities.

Resting in His plans,

Stephanie

Disappointment...

We were hoping to be able to visit with Annalise this month. I knew that was a bold hope but I knew God could do it, if it was His will.

It's not.

This afternoon, we found out that our visit is looking like August 9-10. We will find out officially later this week.

Fourteen more days.

And we'll visit.

Then we'll come home.. without her.

The soonest she can come home is after August 24th.

It is disappointing. But we have to trust that this is His timing...

We'll continue to pray and wait.

And eat icecream.

Specific Prayer Needs:

1. Annalise has an UTI and is on antibiotics. She was vomiting (they believed from the antibiotics) so they took her to the ER. That was the last I heard. Pray for healing and relief from any pain and yucky side effects of the medication.

2. 10 years ago I lived in South Carolina for a short time. There is a possibility I would need a form to go to SC and back before she can come home with us. (A NJ requirement not a VA requirement.) This makes us nervous because our form for Georgia like this got held up in our homestudy for Xander. Please pray we don't need this form. It only searches back 7 years and I have NOT lived in South Carolina during that time.

3. Please pray that our visit with Annalise and our placement takes place before August 17. Otherwise the soonest she can come home is after August 24.

4. Please pray for her foster family that has cared for her so lovingly while she has been in their care. We hope to be able to keep in touch with them. (We still keep in touch with Xander's cradle care parents.)

5. Pray for peace and comfort for her birthparents. They love her very much and we look forward to updating them just as we do Xander's birthmom.

6. Please pray for the children waiting patiently (or at least trying) for their sister. Julianne was in tears this morning because she said she just wants to see her Annalise so badly. :( We've talked about it to try to comfort them, but I'm praying for peace that passes understanding.

I cherish each prayer said on our behalf and thank you from the bottom of my heart!

~Steph

A Sigh of Relief... and a Few Details...

So the phone call came in that I was waiting for today. The adoption worker's voice was soothing and calm and that really helped my nerves. I did fumble a few of my words.. but well.. that is just me!

She asked a few questions that they felt weren't addressed in our homestudy. They included things like:

How do we plan to homeschool our oldest two and balance having five children.. three, 2 and under?

What activities are the girls involved in with their peers?

After that we went over the little one's health history and I got a few pieces of information about her birthparents.

When I got off of the phone with the adoption worker, I recieved an email with the release of information form for our homestudy agency. I quickly filled that out and sent it back.

We should know at the very least a little more late next week.

Shortly after I took care of that, I found myself chuckling as I wiped the counter. This has been a wild ride. If we are indeed matched with this little one, I'll be able to share more. Let's just say that God is SO in the details. I never imagined when we started thinking about adoption in 2007 that I'd ever be able to hand the whole thing over to God and simply say, "Your will be done."

But I have and I can't wait to see the rest of the "ride."

And so we wait....

and hope.

The Tiniest of Adoption Updates

Today I got an email scheduling a phone call for tomorrow. So tomorrow I'll have a phone conference with social worker about a potential match for a baby girl.

Did you just read the last word of that sentence? It makes me go "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..."

Maybe Julianne's prayers are going to be answered... (See what I mean here and here.)

If all goes well, then I'll sign a release of information and she will call and speak with our homestudy agency. Our homestudy worker is on vacation, so she'll have to speak with one of the other social workers.

So.. if you could pray for the phone call to go smoothly tomorrow, I'd greatly appreciate it. The time is listed as somewhere between 9am and 3 pm (eastern time.) Oh and you could pray that the children cooperate and that maybe World War 4 not break out while I'm on the phone.. that would be greatly appreciated too! Brandon will be at work so I'll be holding down the fort by myself.

~Steph

PS: Oh and the baby boy that we were hoping to match with (the one I nicknamed SB) isn't a possibility anymore. That situation got a little weird and we've taken it off of our radar.

Doing the next thing...

Today we got a call from an agency we've been in contact with. The call came in a little after 8pm, which is well after I gave up hope of getting a phone call today. My hopes seem to rise and fall with each 8am and 5pm cycle. LOL

Anyway, we were told that we are one of three adoptive couples that are being presented for this adoption situation. That presentation will take place this week. I've seen pictures of this baby and he is adorable. (Aren't all babies?)

Meanwhile, another adoption agency has us in a pile to possibly be presented to another potential birthmother this week as well. I've not seen pictures of this baby but he is already born. I bet he is adorable too.

So, what's a girl to do?

N-E-S-T!

The fridge is cleaned out and the pantry is straightened. I purged some paperwork. Our laundry was complete until we put on pajamas tonight. I sorted through baby boy clothing. I played around with some travel arrangements. I started to think about what to pack. I made a grocery shopping list and a "To Finish" list.

Tomorrow we will go and get refills for prescriptions (they just happen to coincide with this), fill out paperwork for some reimbursements, and do a grocery shopping run. Then we will head to the pool to live life as a family of six. I'm not sure we are brave enough to take 5 children to the pool without any help.

We temper every hope with the fact that there is a chance we don't be picked. And this is why adoption nesting is different than pregnancy nesting. When you are pregnant you have a date to count down to-- a general idea of when baby will arrive. We don't have that.

But I ate a philly cheesesteak tonight.. just in case. You know... cravings. ;)

Would you pray for the birthparents as they make these life changing decisions? Pray that they are being supported by caring professionals and that they have peace with their decisions. Pray for the children as they are awaiting their placements. And pray for the adoptive families that are going to bed tonight, hoping.

~Steph

Resting in Him...

I've had a long night up with the Lord. I've gotten no sleep but lots of time to talk to God.

I was praying over our adoption and telling Him that I was worried about the possibility of being double matched and how I'd ever choose between two babies. (Double matching is when you network with several agencies and you are chosen for TWO situations... and then you have to pick which situation/child to go with. You may recall that the family that originally matched with Xander was double matched and went with the other situation/child giving us the opportunity to match with him.)

Our situation count was up to 5 when I went to bed last night. Five homestudies sent, only a few profiles requested so far. We've been approved 9 days today. But if there is something to be worried about-- I'm all over it. Brandon often says that he rarely worries because I do enough for both of us!

Anyway.. I was praying about it and God gave me this verse... that I've read a thousand times.

"God sets the lonely in families..." ~Psalm 68:6

So, I'm choosing to rest in His Word. He does it. We just have to be obedient and in His timing, it will happen, if it is His will for our family. He did a fabulous job setting Xander into our family and we know he was meant to be ours. I mean.. have you seen his monster face? It looks just like his Daddy's. Have you heard him laugh until he snorts? Yup.. definitely a Bee! Xander is the one child of ours that is constantly told how much he looks like his Daddy. It makes me giggle. His birthmom thinks it is hilarious too!

Then I got out of bed to start my day and found an email from a friend asking if I had seen an adoption situation posted.

So now we are up to 6.

FAQ's Part 1

So the current count of adoption situations that we've sent our homestudy to is (drumroll please!)

3

We have only been homestudy approved since Friday. Networking has been going fast and furious. We haven't heard back on any of the situations. All three of the situations are for boys with special needs, ranging from 3 days old to 6 months old. All three have different special needs-- one is very similar to our Xander.

Our children do not know about them. It's taking sending text messages/emails/facebook chats and talking in code and whispering after they have gone to bed. I know how much I looked forward to events in my life as a child and I can't imagine burdening our children with an unknown timeframe at their young ages. We could wait years. They know we are praying for a new baby and that we started the process to adopt but they don't know much beyond that.

While God could call us to an international adoption, the original situation we were asked to re-consider doesn't appear to be for us. The country is very unstable and very, very expensive. There is some discussion over whether or not we are technically even eligible to adopt from said country. So we are going to pass. We have however sent a few inquiries in about other international programs. (I'm not sure I'm allowed to name countries so I'm taking the safe road.)

I'm going to start doing a little FAQ's section because we seem to be getting the same questions a lot. Here are the questions that I've gotten quite a bit in the past few days.

Will you have to travel and what will your Fab Four do? Where will they go? Or will they travel with you?

Have no fear, we didn't forget about the Fab Four! My aunt has graciously said that she will drive up from Georgia and is pretty much living on standby (just like we are!) My children LOVE her to death, playfully argue over who's she is (the correct answer is MAMA!) and she really has a grandmotherly role in their lives. You may remember that she was on standby when I was pregnant with Solomon and she came to help hold down the fort when I was put on bedrest. In fact, when Xander was still in the hospital and the girls weren't allowed in the nursery and Brandon had to travel for work, she met me half way to take the girls down to Georgia until Brandon got back in town. And the children went down so Brandon and I could have our Anniversary Getaway. She's fabulous! Everyone should have an Auntie Karon! We have a support system here in Richmond too.. so if for some crazy reason we have to leave before Auntie Karon can get all the way here, we have a few friends lined up to tide us over in a short term way.

How long will you be gone?

This really just depends. When you adopt out of state, there is paperwork that must be filed called the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC.) It is a contract between the states that controls the lawful movement of children for the purpose of adoption. (Thank you adoption.com- I was having trouble coming up with a concise definition!) Both states have to agree to it before we can leave whatever state our child is born in. It usually takes 7-10 days but the baby has to be discharged from the hospital before it can be started. Only one parent has to stay. Of course, Brandon and I would ideally like to stay together, but it is just another thing we have to play by ear. If our child is born here in Richmond, there would be no overnight travel away. We would spend time with the birthparents if they'd choose to want to spend time with us and we'd spend time getting to know the baby. Again, we'd have to play it by ear.

How do you decide what situations to send your homestudy to?

I briefly mentioned that I consider this the hardest part of adoption. And honestly, we don't have a "system" really. We look over the limited amount of information that we can see and we pray. A lot of very specific information is only shared with the adoptive parents after they match. At that point we could accept or reject the match. Brandon and I have researched a lot of special needs briefly, so sometimes we look deeper into the special need to refresh our memories. We have had a lot of lengthy discussions about what strengths we have as a family and as a couple as well as what resources are available here in Richmond. Part of our homestudy interviewing was to help us think through these things. We have passed over some situations, for instance, the first one this time.

This whole match process is kind of new to us. Sure, we matched and adopted before. During our first adoption, we sent our homestudy to four situations very quickly after we were approved. One we never heard back from. One the sibling set had matched right before our homestudy got there after we had a minor snafu on the paperwork being sent. And the third, we were told after we sent our homestudy that they were looking to keep the little girl in the immediate area (on the other side of the country.) The fourth time, we sent our homestudy in to try to match with a baby girl due in May and we got a call a few days later asking if we would consider a baby boy, who was one week old. That was our Xander! It was fast and simple. We prayed and obeyed and before we knew it we were matched.

I'm not expecting this process to go as quickly but I have no doubts that God can do it just that quickly again, if it is His will.

What preparations have you made for a new baby?

Babies in the Bee Household start out in Mama and Daddy's room. Part of it is because that is what we feel comfortable with. Part of our reason is because all of our children share rooms and it is easier for an adult to fall back asleep than a child. And in adoption, part of it is because we do everything we can to help bond us faster. Answering needs immediately is one way for your baby to bond to you better. We can answer more immediately, if the baby is closer to us. We haven't set up the baby's bed in our room yet. We have washed the carseats, rearranged the carseats, sorted clothes (both boys and girls clothing) and picked out first names. We have some middle names being tossed around, but for some reason we can't quite settle. I wonder if it is because the birthparents have names that they are going to ask us to use. Either way, we'll have a baby with a name and right now we are in no rush. Oh and I've nested like a crazy woman.. several times.

If you have any other questions, leave them in the comment section and I'll do another FAQ's post. We appreciate all of your prayers!

Speaking of prayers, we have an appointment at 10:15am for a second opinion for Lainey's feet. Would your pray for wisdom for the new (to us) doctor? Would you pray that Brandon and I make wise decisions while advocating for Lainey's best? And would you pray for Lainey's emotions/mental health as we walk down this road again? I'll fill you in when I get home and settled...

~Steph

PS: The spacing on blogger is driving me nuts. ;) Absolutely nuts!

A Small Update..

Brandon and I have sent our homestudy paperwork to an agency that places children with special needs.

We have also sent it to the agency that we worked with for Xander's adoption.

Monday, we were contacted by an international agency asking if we were by chance, interested in a little one that we inquired about in December. We've sent them some questions and they are waiting for word back from their in-country folks. This is a little scary for Brandon and I. It is the most expensive path and we have never walked the international road. I have several friends that have (or are currently) walking this road that I've soaked up information from. I guess I'm most scared we will start this process and it wouldn't work out for some reason.

So right now, we are standing before three paths. We are praying fervently for direction. Would you pray for us too? Would you pray that the path is clear?

PS: I had a very bad allergic reaction last night and ended up in the ER. Would you also pray for wisdom for my doctors as they try to come up with a gameplan?

God Knows...

I'm typing from our temporary diningroom table at 1:45am. (kind of long story)

I can't sleep. Despite the antihistimine cocktail I took earlier and a busy day.

I just have to laugh. It seems God takes the most type A people and calls them to adoption. You think you like things to go "just so"? SUREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... walk down this path with unknowns. Unknown waiting times, unknown mounds of paperwork.. and do it with joy!

I was on the phone with a sweet friend last week and she said "Steph, my goal in life is to do everything with joy. If I can't do it with joy, then something has got to give."

Oh yeah.. and she told me this during a trial. I've heard her voice telling me that same quote over and over this week.

So as I wait for the word that our homestudy is approved... (should be *any* day now) I'm living with joy. I'm soaking up time with Solomon as our baby(est), Xander as an adventurous toddler, Julianne as an artist extraordinaire and Lainey as an bookworm. Brandon and I are spending lots of time together talking and playing games. I'm tying up loose ends on my To Do list.

And I'm dying to get our paperwork to our placing agency and see if we can match with a baby boy that I noticed several months ago on their website. And I thought surely he wouldn't still be listed when we were ready... But he is...

As Julianne would say "Mommy has ants in her pants!" :)

Yes, I do. But God knew that when He put the dream of adopting in my heart. He knew it before I was born. Before my little type A personality came out. He KNEW.

Cracks me up.

So tonight, I'm going to attempt to sleep before another day of clicking refresh on my email window at least 479237489157231758913759230582357235 times starts again-- hoping to see the glorious words APPROVED so I can call and have it faxed to our placing agency!!!



~Steph

And now we wait..

I didn't realize until last night how much adrenaline I've been living on these past few weeks. It's been a flurry of paperwork and checkmarks and "doing the next thing." I stole that phrase from a mom of many, after a conversation we had when I felt overwhelmed with three children. She told me to just do what is next, to not look at my crazy lists, to not worry about tomorrow but just "do the next thing." I laugh now thinking that I was really overwhelmed with three. A little distance from something sure gives you perspective, huh?

Anyway, so yesterday we woke up and hauled four children into our doctors office. Brandon and I completed our physicals one right after the other. Then we stopped into the agency to drop off four of the six physical forms that are required. I also asked if my fingerprinting card had been found and was told that it had indeed been found. I danced right there in the office.

We ran a pile of errands and then we came home. I laid down on my bed for just a few minutes and the next thing I knew Brandon was waking me 2 hours later. When I woke up I thought back to the last few weeks, trying to figure out how I was that tired. Well, I've been working late into the night to complete our profile book. (I ordered it at 3:05 am on Tuesday.) Then waking up with the children. And I've been working on paperwork/making appointments/networking during the day too!

But it's all done. *I* don't have anything else to do. Brandon is taking the boys to their physical appointments on Friday while I go to the homeschool convention with some friends and then we are having company on Friday night. He's even promised to drop those forms off at the agency that afternoon. And then we wait. We wait for the reference forms to be received. We wait for the draft of our homestudy to be written for our proofing. We wait to receive our profile book in the mail. And then we start The Big Wait.

I'm so thankful that God gave me endurance for this busy season in our lives.

And I am so excited!! Excited to see WHO God has chosen for our family. In the meantime, I plan to read some books I checked out at the library, take lots of bubble baths and I plan to get to bed at a decent time. I also plan to enjoy my four children and to reconnect with Brandon. We will be trying to find some normalcy as we wait for the next whirlwind.

~Stephanie

PS: Check out the timeline on the right...I've been faithfully updating it!

The Hardest Part

For me, the hardest part of the adoption process isn't the homestudy. I'm a list maker and checker by nature. So seeing the list of documents/things that are required doesn't seem daunting. Sure I think some of the things we have to provide are a bit ridiculous, but the list itself doesn't feel daunting. I go through and gather things and check them off the list. I make the appointments and check those off of the list. Sometimes I skip something and come back to it. But it all eventually gets checked off.

The wait doesn't feel like the hardest part. Although let's face it, matching with Xander happened at record speed and we aren't officially waiting yet this time.

The hardest part is looking at the situations and deciding who to send our homestudy and profile to for matching purposes.

This past Thursday, I recieved an email about a possible adoption situation from our social worker. The little boy just turned 3. His picture was adorable. The email told a bit about a special need he had. I emailed the agency the child is listed with and asked for more information. And then I realized it was 4:48pm.

Being the highly impatient person I am and knowing that most agencies close at 5, I prayed and then called the office and asked to speak with the social worker. She answered a few questions and then sent me an email with more information.

I read over the notes. And my heart broke as I read each sentence. I googled, ALOT! This child has had a rough start, to put it mildly. I wrestled with the decision.

I spoke with Brandon and after prayer, we decided that this isn't a situation we feel comfortable with for many reasons. And my heart broke again.

We aren't looking for a perfect child. In fact, we've requested to be homestudy approved for a child with special needs. But this situation was just something that we don't feel qualified to handle even with the amazing resources available to us.

This is the hardest part. The saying no. I have no doubts that we will know when to say yes. The peace was amazing when I said yes (ahem.. before talking to Brandon!) to be presented for Xander's situation. (Yes, I did call him and make sure after I jumped the gun. Don't worry!)

Sometimes you think that you are a great fit for a situation and never to hear back. In 2009, Brandon and I sent our homestudy to two different social workers in two different states for two different situations and never heard back.

In the meantime, we pray and we remind ourselves that God has already chosen which child is ours.

~Steph

You win some, you lose some.. but look at the growth!

A chapter of my life closed tonight unexpectedly. I'm no longer working from home. I was completely blindsided and it was very unexpected.

It's no secret that I've had a sharp tongue in the past. It comes from years and years of having sharp tongues modeled for me. It's a product of being quick-witted. Growing up, I was the queen of getting the last word.

But it's not who I desire to be.

Here's a little of what the Bible says about it:

A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly. ~Proverbs 14:29

Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city. ~Proverbs 16:32

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. ~Proverbs 12:18

He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity. ~ Proverbs 21:23

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue [is] the law of kindness ~Proverbs 31:26

I'm a work in progress. I'm not going to lie. There are times that my tongue (and flesh) wins. And oh boy... do I have to repent and then go right the wrong. But tonight, I handled myself with grace. All the Scriptures that I've poured over during my time of repenting, were running through my head as I formed my response. My time in the Word was fruitful.

I'm amazed at the growth. Still hurt and confused but amazed.

As far as the adoption... have no fear! When God called us to adopt again, He knew all this! And now we are on the edge of our seat, waiting to see the provision for our adoption unfold.

~Steph