Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Mindgame

I've had a tremendous amount of quiet time in my head which can be seen as a good thing or a bad thing depending on who you are. I'm on Day #9 of bedrest and while I'm not a happy camper about being sidelined as my family continues on without me playing an active role, I'm doing what I was told was the ideal to give our baby the best chances.

I hate chance. Anyone that knows me for about 5 minutes knows that I'm a play it safe kind of girl. I want a sure thing. And as I get older I realize more and more that nothing is a sure thing while you are here on earth. Not a thing here is a sure thing.

I watched a friend bury her husband. Growing old with the man you love isn't a sure thing.

I watched a friend lose two sons in a row. Babies making it safely through pregnancy isn't a sure thing.

I walked a road of infertility and miscarriage and watched several friends as they walked the same road. Getting pregnant and staying pregnant just isn't a sure thing.

Brandon and I have quietly whispered in the dark (so as not to have to watch the tears fall down each other's cheeks) about the what ifs. We've talked about the hard possibility that our baby may not make it. (The subchorionic hemmorhage is behind my placenta and raises the odds of placental abruption quite a bit.) I'm not in Lala-Land where every problem is solved neatly in a 30 minute or 60 minute show.

This is real life-- where the only thing that is a sure thing is God. And I've clung to Him. I lay my fears and worries at His feet each day-- sometimes several times a day. I've re-read stories about miracles and things that look horrible from an odds point of view. Just because I'm a believer doesn't mean I'm promised an easy life. What I am promised is eternal life. THAT is a sure thing. My ONE sure thing. And that joy and hope keeps me going each day.

I'm in for the fight. This is a MINDGAME. I can't let the excitement be snuffed out. I simply refuse!!!!!

I am still refusing to let these complications steal our joy. The girls talk about "when our baby comes" and I force my mind go there instead of shielding my heart. We've arranged our school schedule to take a break in the fall "when our baby comes." We've chosen names. I've looked at coming home outfits.

Years ago, I wrote in my inspiration journal the following quote:

"Quit telling God how big your storm is, and start telling the storm how big your God is!"

So I am. Every morning, I lay in bed and praise the One that knows how this turns out. I thank Him for one more day with our baby. I thank Him for the children I have and my husband, who has been my biggest cheerleader during these 9 days. While I hope with all my might, I've tearfully prayed for the Lord's will to be done.

If we lose our baby, we will grieve. But every second that I'm still pregnant, I will continue to look forward to that little life. The 5th set of little feet joining our family. Our tiebreaker.

Either way, a testimony is being written. I'm just the storyteller. How blessed I am to know Him and recognize His works in our lives.



Jenny said...

Beautiful post, Stephanie! Continuing to pray for you and your precious wee one.

Heather (iceangel) said...

Just checking on you...Is everything OK? Praying!