Stumbling or Falling?

Oh I love when something happens with my children and I feel that nudge from the Holy Spirit! All morning I've been reeling and writing this post in my head!

For those of you that haven't gotten to meet our Julianne, she is such a blessing. One of the things that has amazed me in raising a larger family has been watching the similarities and differences among our children. Gifts and areas of opportunity sometimes overlap but sometimes they are completely different from child to child.

Our Julianne is a sweet girl. She can be a little shy. She makes a friend easily and her love language is touch. I can calm her in a matter of moments if I can touch her. She loves it when I rub her back during service, or hold hands with her. Or when I brush her hair out of her face. She gives out hugs often. She dances to her own little beat and is witty beyond her years.

She is also very afraid of heights. I'm not talking rollercoasters or skyscrapers, even stairs frighten her.

At our church, we have several flights of stairs that you can go up or down depending on which area of the church you are trying to get to. It's taken me a few months to figure out these stairs because I am directionally challenged. For Julianne, these stairs challenge her every week.

Most weeks she stands at the top with tears in her eyes and we have to coax her down. She will step down, then bring the other foot to the same stair, then go down to the next stair. She doesn't alternate feet and stairs. Nope. One stair at a time. All while desperately clinging to the rail, with her Bible bag draped on her arm. Most of the time, she will leave her hands planted on one part of the rail and step down and have her body all stretched out because she is scared to move her hand down the rail a little. We've shown her how to slide her hand down so that she doesn't even have to let go. Cognitively she knows she has to move her hand down, but she usually takes quite some time before she will do it.

But this week... this week, she started down the stairs. And she immediately started to get upset as she yelled out "I'm falling!!!!" I was in front of her on the stairs walking down and Brandon was behind her. She has never fallen down these stairs or any that I can remember.

She wasn't really going anywhere. She was still standing, grasping the rail so hard that her little knuckles were white.

Brandon called out down the stairs, "Baby, you are okay! You just stumbled! You didn't fall! Daddy is right here..." And a little tear slipped out onto her cheek.

Stumbled.. you didn't fall and I'm right here.

And I felt that quickening in my soul...

We got down those stairs and I stopped her right before she walked into large group time, to wipe her cheek and comfort her.

And I told her "You did it!" She flashed a quick grin and said "Yup! And I didn't fall! Daddy was there!" And I nodded yes.

And then her grin disappeared as quickly as it had arrived.

"But Momma, what if I did fall?" I assured her that if she had fallen, Daddy would get her and pick her up and dust her off... and that she could try the stairs again another day but she had to keep going and keep trying.

And I felt that quickening again.

I walked to my class in my own little world trying to process what was going on in my heart.

Here's the application:

No matter how many times we walk the stairs, they may still look scary. Just like Julianne's Daddy was there ready to catch her, so is God. Just like Julianne was scared to fall, sometimes we are too. Sometimes we think we are falling and we are really only stumbling. Sometimes we cling to things so hard, that we can't do what we are meant to do. Julianne was desperately clinging to the stair rail so hard that she couldn't reach the next step. Instead of sliding her hand down the rail, she was stuck. But if Julianne would have skipped the stairs and taken the elevator, would she still have learned that she can walk the stairs?

Are you taking the elevator in your life? Or are you taking the "scary" stairs? When you feel like you are you falling, are you really or are you only stumbling? If you did fall, would you try it again? Are you desperately clinging to something that is keeping you from being able to freely walk?

Father, open my eyes to things that I am avoiding, by taking the elevator instead of going the scary way. Remove the fear from me, so I can go that way. Reassure me that if I fall, You will catch me, in only a way that You can. Allow me to loosen my grip on whatever I am clinging to desperately, so I freely walk and if I must cling, allow me to cling onto You. I love You and praise You. Amen!

~Steph

Struggling with a lack of transparency...

I'm an all or nothing kind of person. And there are TWO major parts of my life that I can't openly blog about, so I struggle with sharing anything at all.

One I should be able to share soon but the other will take quite some time. Both items have kept me on my knees in prayer. Both have caused massive panic attacks and loss of sleep. Both have brought up painful experiences from my past.

I'm not who I once was. I'm stronger than I once was because I now call upon Jesus Christ in times of need and I lean upon Him for my strength. I will not disobey God even though I can't see what He is doing. It's scary for someone as uptight as me to not know what the outcomes will be. But I trust that God is good and loves me. And I know that He will never leave me.

(I'm sure this sounds like a bit of rambling without knowing the issues. As soon as I can share, I will. I just wanted to explain the sudden inactivity on my blog.)

I've turned off the news..

There is only so much sensationalized hype that I can watch. My flesh wants to watch it more and more... as if what the new anchor says is the end all, be all.

I quickly forget that there is One that truly knows what will happen in my future.

So instead of watching the news rehash things over and over that I can't control, I've turned them off and tuned them out. I'm looking instead at what God says about being anxious and provision.

Here is what God's Word says about provision:

"Do not worry then, saying, "What will we eat?' or "What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing' For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." -Matthew 6:31-33

"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" - Matthew 7:11

"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows." - Luke 12:7

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything; you may have an abundance for every good deed." -2 Corinthians 9:8

"And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:19

"I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread." -Psalm 37:25

Verses about worry:

"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?" - Matthew 6:25

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:34

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." -Philippians 4:6

"Casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares about you." -1 Peter 5:7

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
-Isaiah 41:10

Father, I know there are very scared people out there right now. Give them comfort and peace. Let them find rest in You. I love You and praise You. In Your Son's most precious name, Amen.

~Steph

Allergic Reaction times Two...

Tuesday when I went to the OB I showed him a hard knot in my under arm. Lumps, knots and cysts all frighten the bejeebers out of me and that fear only got worse when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer my junior year of high school. I had showed him the month before and he thought it was nothing.

This time Dr. S thought it was an infection because it was red and painful. I reminded him I was allergic to Penicillin and he sighed and asked about Keflex. I've taken it in the past with no issues even though about 15% of people that are allergic to Penicillin are also allergic to Keflex. He wrote me a prescription, gave me a referral to another doc in case it actually needs drained and sent me on my merry little way.

Key word from the above paragraph: PAST.

We filled the prescription and I took my first dose. No biggie. Wednesday I took three doses (one pill three times a day.) Thursday I took three doses again and a few hours after that last dose, I told Brandon I was very itchy and going to take a bath and go to bed. Brandon was headed up behind me and by the time he walked in the bathroom I was scratching like I'd be overtaken by a swarm of fire ants. Brandon said I had large red whelps all over me. I sent him downstairs to get the children's Benadryl since I knew I didn't have the adult variety in the house. I took the recommended adult dosage and got in a cool bath. Shortly after I got out of bath, the itching was gone and I was then Benadryl drunk and was fast asleep.

Friday we called my doctor and let him know that I showed an allergy to Keflex and he called me in another prescription. This time he prescribed a Z pack.

Again, I've showed no issues with taking Zpacks in the past. (Are you seeing a theme here?) Took my first dose of two pills the first night. I thought I felt a little itchy but I also thought I could be imagining things after my experience the night before.

Saturday I took my one pill with dinner and about 4 hours later, my legs felt like they were on fire and I was again itching to death. I had large red whelps on the back of my legs. Again, I took the adult dose of children's Benadryl and took a cool bath. Again I was Benadryl drunk and fast asleep....

So... right now I'm not on any antibiotics and I'll be calling the doctors office again, in the morning so he can decide what to do with me.

I'm a bit concerned that I'm now showing allergies to a major family of antibiotics and TWO frequently used alternatives. Have I mentioned I have no spleen so I NEED to be able to take antibiotics when they are necessary?

Oh and as a side note... my oldest daughter shows an adverse reaction to Benadryl and is allergic to peanuts and rocephin(also an antibiotic.) Brandon is allergic to the entire penicillin and sulfa drug families. Julianne and Xander have no known drug allergies at this time. I need a notebook to keep all this straight!

Battling Fear...

I have to actively battle fear. Deep down I'm a 'fraidy cat and it just seems to be getting worse the older I am. Maybe it is because I am starting to realize just how precious life is and how much I still have left to do here.

Satan has always chosen to attack my thoughts around my parenting, child raising, and my children. He knows that my children are my heart and well... a very vulnerable spot in my heart. The most recent subject he has started to attack is our decision on a repeat csection vs. VBAC (v*ginal birth after c-section.) I desire a VBAC and am a candidate. I birthed DeLainey v*ginally and had a planned c-section for Julianne because she had her cord wrapped around her neck among other issues. I also was seeing one of the most csection happy doctors in the area I lived in. (Word to the wise, check your doctors stats and if they are out of line with the national norm, start asking questions.)

Neither one of my birthing experiences were wonderful, magical or any of the other words I've heard used for childbirth. I had several rude medical professionals cross my path each time. I was stressed, nervous, in pain (yes for both!), and just well, not anything beautiful or magical or anything like that.

Recently I've been doubting if I can do either. Which is well, laughable because the baby has to come out one way or the other right? Yes.. after giving birth twice I still doubt I can do it.

And then I logged into my favorite parenting site ever and read what a dear friend posted. She said that a friend emailed it to her. What a timely message for me!

Praying Scripture for my Unborn Child

"Father, in Jesus’ name, I thank You for my unborn child. I know this child is a gift from You.

I commit this child to You, Father and ask that he will grow and call me blessed.

You have made me a joyful mother of children. I am blessed with a heritage from You as my reward.

My child is created in Your image and it is in You that my child lives and moves and has his being. I ask Your blessing upon him or her.

Your grace is sufficient for me through this pregnancy. Thank you for strengthening my weakness.

I cast all my care and burden of this pregnancy over on You, Lord, for You care for me. I put on the whole armor of God so that I may be able to stand against the tricks and traps of the devil. I recognize that my fight is not with flesh and blood, but against principalities, powers and the rulers of darkness and spiritual wickedness in high places. God, help me to stand, above all, taking the shield of faith and being able to quench the attacks of the devil with Your mighty power. Help me to stand in faith during this pregnancy and birth, not giving any room to fear, but possessing power, love and a sound mind.

Perfect Love casts out fear. You are that perfect Love. I am not afraid because I am fixed and trusting upon You, Father. Help me to think on good things.

Heavenly Father, You are my refuge. I trust You during this pregnancy and childbirth. I thank You that You have put angels at watch over me and my unborn child.

Would you please bless us with a liberal amount of Your wisdom for the decisions that are to be made?

And may the peace of God, which passes all understanding, keep my heart and mind through Christ Jesus.

I trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. When I acknowledge you in all my ways, You will direct my path.

I praise You and thank you, in Jesus’ name, Amen."

Scriptures used: Ps. 127:3; Prov.31:28; Ps. 113:9; Ps. 127:3; Gen 1:26; Acts 17:28a; I Pet.5:7; II Cor.12:9; Eph. 6:11, 12,16; 2 Tim. 1:7; I John 4:18; Phil. 4:8; Ps. 91:2, 11; James1:5,6a; Phil. 4:7; Pro. 3:5,6



Each time the doubt creeps in, I pray this prayer. I've prayed it several times in a row at times. Either way.. repeat csection or VBAC, God already knows the outcome and has it planned.

Thank you Father, for giving me these precious words to hold onto. I pray I stand on the truths that You've sent for us in the Word. Thank you for the awesome blessing of motherhood and yet another baby to raise to know You.