The New(est) Game Plan

So, after we found out that our allergist's office was closed and the diarrhea and bleeding continued, we got frustrated and called the gastroenterologist. Afterall, our gastroenterologist handpicked the allergist he wanted us to see.

We explained what we thought happened with the E028 and we were told quite frankly to call the allergist. We informed them that we had no way to reach her and the office was closed today.

Suddenly, we started getting some advice. Our gastroenterologist wasn't happy with Xander being on the tropical flavored Neocate Jr. In his experience, he says that his patients with chronic diarrhea do poorly on the tropical flavored Neocate Jr. He also said he never would have had us try E028, for the same reasons.

We were told that he prefers Elecare formula for children with chronic diarrhea. (Same thing-- amino acid, elemental formula-- just another brand.) And we were told to come get samples.

So off we jetted to the gastroenterologist. *sigh*

When we got there, they gave us two cans of unflavored formula and one vanilla flavored can. They only make one flavor of Elecare Jr. We were also given a packet of recipes with suggestions to put JUICE in the unflavored formula to flavor it. I was pretty annoyed by this since Dr. V told us to stay away from juice at all costs before we were ever sent to the allergist. The other recommendation was to flavor it with, get this, coffee. I think not.

The gastroenterologist's nurse let us in on a little "secret" that our gastroenterologist and allergist often butt heads and that she feared we were going to be the latest cause. Nice.

On the way home in rush hour traffic, with a screaming toddler that was now digging into his skin and had red patches all over his face, our allergist called.

She just had to listen to Lady Antebellum as she spoke with Brandon because that is all we could do to keep Xander's howling to a minimum. Bet she has never had that during a consultation!

We were advised by her to not give him Tropical flavored Neocate Junior anymore and to not give him anymore E028. Also, she had sent us home the day before with a stack of flavoring packets and most of those contain citric acid. We obviously were advised to not use those.

As we went through his history with her (again!) she thinks he's had a mild reaction to the citric acid for quite some time and that the E028 pushed it over the edge.

Here's why:

At first when we started the formula he would only take the chocolate-- and he was constipated but truly happy for the first time in his life. We immediately began to see improvements in his behavior, language and diapers!

When he went on drinking strike, we offered the tropical (upon her office's advice) thinking that he was being a typical 2 year old. He wouldn't drink it all the time, and drinking strikes happened often. So we were advised (again by her office) to alternate his choices. Their thinking was that he was used to having different flavors and was probably growing bored with his new limited diet.

And then we started having random loose stools. But NOT to the same extent as before. We knew that it could take quite some time for him to heal and we were told that this formula stuff was not going to be a quick fix. So he was still mostly happy and his bottom was not bleeding, so we figured this was just going to be a long term process.

Now that we have the big picture of the E028 with citric acid causing a huge issue, and we put the pieces together from his tropical formula, things look a little differently.

So, this is the new game plan: Vanilla flavored Elacare Jr. and Chocolate flavored Neocate Jr. We are also supposed to stay away from citric acid(!!!!!) no matter what! He goes in soon for a weight check. I'm praying that he maintained or even gained because I've heard the words tube feeding thrown around between the gastoenterologist and the allergist. Would you join me in prayer?

Brandon and I would like to maintain as much normalcy for Xander as we can. He's lost so much normalcy in the last few weeks. But we obviously want him to grow and be nourished too. I have a feeling we'll be walking a fine line between the allergist and the gastroenterologist. I do not intend to let them play tug of war with my child!

I got several messages asking how I'm holding up. I had a mini-breakdown yesterday and once Brandon got off work at 3pm the tears flowed. Emotionally it was very hard to watch Xander go back to struggling so very much. In a blink of an eye, Xander quit talking again. He was back to screeching and screaming about everything. He wouldn't lay his bottom down so I could change his diapers and diaper changing had become a wrestling match again. He had screamed for hours on end when Brandon got home. His thumb has a sore spot where he was sucking it furiously. Xander has been a thumb sucker since we took his pacifiers but lately, the callous on his knuckle had softened. He was sucking his thumb much less before this most recent episode.

Watching him regress so rapidly, took it's toll on me and after we got the new game plan, my body shut down. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I was in bed sleeping by 6:30. Brandon woke me for dinner and I went right back to sleep.

If you remember, would you pray for endurance for me? This most recent reaction could take some time to work out of his system and Brandon has to work tomorrow. Also pray that the baby is okay during all this stress.

Hanging by a thread,

Stephanie

The Hardest Part

For me, the hardest part of the adoption process isn't the homestudy. I'm a list maker and checker by nature. So seeing the list of documents/things that are required doesn't seem daunting. Sure I think some of the things we have to provide are a bit ridiculous, but the list itself doesn't feel daunting. I go through and gather things and check them off the list. I make the appointments and check those off of the list. Sometimes I skip something and come back to it. But it all eventually gets checked off.

The wait doesn't feel like the hardest part. Although let's face it, matching with Xander happened at record speed and we aren't officially waiting yet this time.

The hardest part is looking at the situations and deciding who to send our homestudy and profile to for matching purposes.

This past Thursday, I recieved an email about a possible adoption situation from our social worker. The little boy just turned 3. His picture was adorable. The email told a bit about a special need he had. I emailed the agency the child is listed with and asked for more information. And then I realized it was 4:48pm.

Being the highly impatient person I am and knowing that most agencies close at 5, I prayed and then called the office and asked to speak with the social worker. She answered a few questions and then sent me an email with more information.

I read over the notes. And my heart broke as I read each sentence. I googled, ALOT! This child has had a rough start, to put it mildly. I wrestled with the decision.

I spoke with Brandon and after prayer, we decided that this isn't a situation we feel comfortable with for many reasons. And my heart broke again.

We aren't looking for a perfect child. In fact, we've requested to be homestudy approved for a child with special needs. But this situation was just something that we don't feel qualified to handle even with the amazing resources available to us.

This is the hardest part. The saying no. I have no doubts that we will know when to say yes. The peace was amazing when I said yes (ahem.. before talking to Brandon!) to be presented for Xander's situation. (Yes, I did call him and make sure after I jumped the gun. Don't worry!)

Sometimes you think that you are a great fit for a situation and never to hear back. In 2009, Brandon and I sent our homestudy to two different social workers in two different states for two different situations and never heard back.

In the meantime, we pray and we remind ourselves that God has already chosen which child is ours.

~Steph

You win some, you lose some.. but look at the growth!

A chapter of my life closed tonight unexpectedly. I'm no longer working from home. I was completely blindsided and it was very unexpected.

It's no secret that I've had a sharp tongue in the past. It comes from years and years of having sharp tongues modeled for me. It's a product of being quick-witted. Growing up, I was the queen of getting the last word.

But it's not who I desire to be.

Here's a little of what the Bible says about it:

A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly. ~Proverbs 14:29

Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city. ~Proverbs 16:32

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. ~Proverbs 12:18

He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity. ~ Proverbs 21:23

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue [is] the law of kindness ~Proverbs 31:26

I'm a work in progress. I'm not going to lie. There are times that my tongue (and flesh) wins. And oh boy... do I have to repent and then go right the wrong. But tonight, I handled myself with grace. All the Scriptures that I've poured over during my time of repenting, were running through my head as I formed my response. My time in the Word was fruitful.

I'm amazed at the growth. Still hurt and confused but amazed.

As far as the adoption... have no fear! When God called us to adopt again, He knew all this! And now we are on the edge of our seat, waiting to see the provision for our adoption unfold.

~Steph

Struggling with a lack of transparency...

I'm an all or nothing kind of person. And there are TWO major parts of my life that I can't openly blog about, so I struggle with sharing anything at all.

One I should be able to share soon but the other will take quite some time. Both items have kept me on my knees in prayer. Both have caused massive panic attacks and loss of sleep. Both have brought up painful experiences from my past.

I'm not who I once was. I'm stronger than I once was because I now call upon Jesus Christ in times of need and I lean upon Him for my strength. I will not disobey God even though I can't see what He is doing. It's scary for someone as uptight as me to not know what the outcomes will be. But I trust that God is good and loves me. And I know that He will never leave me.

(I'm sure this sounds like a bit of rambling without knowing the issues. As soon as I can share, I will. I just wanted to explain the sudden inactivity on my blog.)

I've turned off the news..

There is only so much sensationalized hype that I can watch. My flesh wants to watch it more and more... as if what the new anchor says is the end all, be all.

I quickly forget that there is One that truly knows what will happen in my future.

So instead of watching the news rehash things over and over that I can't control, I've turned them off and tuned them out. I'm looking instead at what God says about being anxious and provision.

Here is what God's Word says about provision:

"Do not worry then, saying, "What will we eat?' or "What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing' For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." -Matthew 6:31-33

"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" - Matthew 7:11

"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows." - Luke 12:7

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything; you may have an abundance for every good deed." -2 Corinthians 9:8

"And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:19

"I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread." -Psalm 37:25

Verses about worry:

"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?" - Matthew 6:25

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:34

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." -Philippians 4:6

"Casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares about you." -1 Peter 5:7

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
-Isaiah 41:10

Father, I know there are very scared people out there right now. Give them comfort and peace. Let them find rest in You. I love You and praise You. In Your Son's most precious name, Amen.

~Steph

A Divine Appointment... Disney Style

We are home! We had a fabulous week and I can't wait to share all of our adventures but first I'm so excited to share this story.

I believe in divine appointments. Years ago, I was the subject of a Divine Appointment myself. I get giddy when I realize that God has used me in encouraging others. So I want to share this little gem with you!

Thursday night we went to Downtown Disney and ate at Wolfgang Puck Express. It was delicious but soon after Solomon and Xander had the biggest meltdown of the trip. I suddenly felt like we should go "home" back to the hotel. I was a little bummed that we didn't get to look in some of the stores but I mentioned to Brandon that maybe we could come back the next night and he quickly agreed. We rode the Disney bus to the hotel, tucked everyone in and had some quiet time together. I couldn't get Downtown Disney off of my mind for the rest of the night.

Fast forward, the next day we went back to Downtown Disney. This time earlier in the night. They had a Santa there and since we hadn't gotten a chance to visit Santa yet this year, Brandon put us in line. Solomon started fussing and I knew he was ready to nurse. So I grabbed my nursing cover and headed to the nearest bench. There was a lady sitting there with a little boy.. maybe 3 or 4 years old. I typically try to sit by myself to nurse but for some reason (wink, wink) joined her on the bench.

Her son asked her why Solomon was under my nursing cover and she explained that I was feeding him and that was how she had fed him. We struck up conversation and before long we were chatting family and husbands. The conversation flowed SO easily, like when you call and catch up with an old friend.

The spacing of the boys came up and she was so kind! I mentioned we adopted and then we found out I was expecting and she asked The Question. "Were you trying?" I quickly said "Oh we weren't trying or preventing.. God builds our family." She smiled BIG and was very positive.

I found out that she was from RICHMOND! And she asked some questions about adoption. She shared which denomination she belonged to (happens to be the same as one of the agencies we used.)

Then she got a little quieter and said that she had had two miscarriages. One at 9 weeks and one at 16 weeks and that she wondered if statistically she was doomed because both of the baby girls had Turner's Syndrome. She went on to say that a genetic specialist encouraged her to try again and that statistically odds were in her favor. But that she had a little doubt in her heart and she just didn't know.... after all she had lost two baby girls in a row with the same genetic syndrome. She thought that those odds were significant.

I could tell she was hurting and needed encouragement. My heart was just skipping beats during this portion of our conversation. I looked her in the eyes and softly said "Our God isn't a God of statistics." And shared our amazing story (matched 2 weeks after we were approved to adopt, pregnant a few months later when earlier in our lives several "perfect, textbook" cycles with medical help didn't end in pregnancy, my VBAC, etc, etc.) Her eyes lit up and her facial expressions were TOTALLY different after I reminded her that God doesn't follow stats. He follows His planning! Her husband walked over during that part and you could just see the weight lifted off of his shoulders!

Right then, Lainey came over and when I acknowledged her she asked "Daddy wants to know if you are coming back?" Oh. Yes. I quickly said goodbye and started to walk away. I turned around, thinking "Oh maybe I should exchange some information.. and we could talk again." And just like that, she was gone.

I still have goosebumps. STILL! God can use you ANYWHERE. Even in Downtown Disney waiting in a Santa line. *grin*

Sickness and The Mouse

WOW! The month of October really got away from us.

It hasn't been a great month healthwise at the Bee House.

The last time I posted Xander was cutting teeth. This has been a continuous process. Those two are in and now he has more coming. He's had all the usual symptoms that accompany teeth: runny nose, fever, congestion, etc. It's getting old.. quickly!

Julianne has some mild coughing and congestion. I'm amazed at how mild this has been for her. She used to be my child that caught everything to an extreme-- especially if it was respiratory!

Lainey had a mild cough for a few days but quickly recovered. Once she got tubes as a baby for her multiple ear infections, her health really turned around and she has been very healthy since.

Julianne sneezed in Solomon's face as I was holding him. *sigh* It was one of those things I saw in slow motion but couldn't make stop! And now Solomon has a little cough. No fever, no congestion. Ahhhh.... the blessing of a breastfed baby! Solomon is also drooling pools worth of saliva requiring multiple shirt changes now as well. Guess what I found? Two little white knots on his lower gums. And he started chewing his hands like they were just the most delicious things ever!

Then, I came down with a headcold. Since I have no spleen, when I am hit with sickness I go down hard and fast! I went from sinus drainage down the back of my throat to barely being able to swallow and a fever in the matter of a couple hours. As the night wore on, I got worse and worse. Finally, the next day (on Sunday, doesn't it always happen that way?) I decided I needed to go to Patient First and found out I have a sinus infection. Unfortunately, I am prone to sinus infections but I'm thankful that I haven't been very sick like this since I had my tonsilectomy in 2008!

So, if you are still with me after that laundry list of ailments, BRANDON is the only one that has been well for the month of October.

He also celebrated his 29th birthday this month! We managed to celebrate his birthday in between illnesses. (I'm very mindful about exposing others to germs since I have no spleen!) We went to Maggiano's and had a yummy family style dinner and I stopped at Frostings, a gourmet cupcake shop, and picked up a half a dozen. Brandon had 2 red velvet cupcakes, one with buttercream frosting and one with cream cheese frosting and the kids and I had American cupcakes (vanilla) with chocolate frosting.

Solomon did not enjoy any cupcakes during this celebration. Poor fellow.

Brandon and I have also been planning for Christmas. This has involved code words and late night chats because the children do not have any idea that we are....







FLYING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!!!!!!!

We did not take a family vacation this year other than a brief visit to Augusta in September so we are combining our vacation budget and our Christmas budget to make this possible. I'm so excited. I'm the only one in our family that has been to Disney before but there have been alot of changes since I went in highschool with our band. (What year was that? My freshman year? So Spring of '99? Erika, you'll have to be my fact checker!) For example, Animal Kingdom wasn't there when we went and many rides have been added. More importantly, I'm excited to see the reaction that the children and my husband have.

Brandon and I have talked about a Disney trip for years. It's been postponed due to pregnancy, school, careers, babies being too little, our adoption, etc. We finally just decided to go. Hopefully we can go back in a few years so the boys will remember a trip.

We've also been plugging in at church. We are still attending the *tiny* church and we are finding it more and more comfortable each Sunday. (We've also missed quite a bit due to sickness this fall.) Our Sunday School class has an email group so we've been in touch and we continue to get to know the other members. Our church also recently changed the schedule. Now it is Sunday School, a fellowship time and then worship. They usually serve snacks and juice during the fellowship time and people intermingle. I've met quite a few people this way and I've gotten the opportunity to get to know people more in depth this way. I have a feeling we'll be talking about joining the church soon. It's starting to feel like home.

I have a few other events to post about, but this is getting long and the tribe is getting restless.

It wasn't meant to be....

Last Thursday was not a great day at the Bee House. Brandon sent me a text message asking for prayers because he thought the announcement for the position he applied for was about to come out.

I prayed and had a very unsettled feeling. I tried to shake it off and keep praying. I knew how much Brandon wanted it. Who am I kidding? I knew how much I wanted it for Brandon.

And then a very long wait happened and my phone rang. I said hello and I knew from the pause and they way Brandon's voice cracked when he said my name that things didn't go the way we had hoped.

The tears started rolling down my hot cheeks and mentally I started down a really dangerous path.

What do you mean he didn't get it? He's worked so hard... He deserves it. Look at all we have sacrificed! We took a huge chance to come here! Brandon helped change the course that the office was going down and improve the stats. We were one of the first internal transfers! Look at all his accomplishments....

I comforted Brandon the best way I knew how. All I could say was, "I guess it wasn't meant to be, God has something else planned." I choked back tears while I was on the phone with him. I excused myself to go take a shower and cry it out. When the water ran cold I got out and dressed. I found myself on the couch, as numb inside as I felt outside.

That night before I drifted off to sleep, I felt very convicted about my thoughts. I started thinking about what we really deserve. As sinners, we deserve hell. But we are offered the gift of forgiveness by God! I'm so thankful for that!

So now we wait...again. We will both keep looking ahead and working, while we wait for God to show us what is next.

[This post has been edited. See the October 5th posting for more information.]

Disappointment...

Stinks. It's something I've struggled to control my reaction to for well... my entire life. I'm in a foul mood. Frustrated, annoyed, and disappointed. I'm just being real folks. I never want to portray that I have it all together, because I'm human and don't. I feel emotions, just like the next person. Of course I have the added benefit of having God in my life... but it doesn't make me perfect.. if anything my relationship with God magnifies just how imperfect I am.... and how much I need Him.

Once again... we are in waiting mode around the Bee House. Waiting to find out what exactly we are in Richmond to do. Do we have another child here? Is Brandon supposed to get his promotion here? Are we here waiting to go somewhere else?

I'm not a good "wait and see" kind of person. *sigh* Again, just being real. But God has definitely shut the door on our most recent attempt to transfer out of Richmond. Brandon was passed over for a promotion... again. I'm not quite sure what happened. He looked like a total shoe-in and was even told so. *sigh*

So we wait... Today I choose to trust that God has a plan for us. Not sure what it is, but I have to stand on the Truth today so I'll be repeating a verse that we've clung to for years...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

Contentment... The Biggest Lesson of Our Move

And the biggest struggle of my life. For far too long, it's been engrained in me to keep striving, changing, to push through my circumstances for the next thing.

Moving here has highlighted my lifelong struggle with contentment. When we first moved here, I prayed for God to show us a clear reason for our move here. And then we started the adoption process and were matched with Xander. He was born 12 miles from our rental. DING! DING!DING! I thought.. we have our reason.

And then we did our six months of placement, our three post-placement visits with our adoption worker and his adoption was finalized on December 22.

And after thanking God for all He did in that whole process... my next thought was "So.. um.. what is next?"

I was impatiently waiting for Brandon to get a promotion, get the raise that goes along with it and move on to the next thing. Whether that means to move back to Augusta or move to another location, I'm ready... and impatient. And it stinks.

I was SO discontent, that I searched his company's job posting website on a regular basis. I googled the towns that have the same kind of offices, looked up the states homeschool laws, looked at real estate and churches and the general cost of living. I walked around our apartment and thought about "When we pack this next..." or "Maybe we won't take that next time."

I found myself going over my moving checklist I made myself last time and editing it. Since I had one long distance move under my belt, I knew better what to expect for the next time, right? I found myself looking at our savings and longing for it to reach an amount that we could move even if Brandon isn't offered help with relocation expenses.

I got antsy... and one morning, during my quiet time, when I actually prayed for "our next move in Your perfect timing" I suddenly felt convicted. I mean... I trusted God for our move here right? Yes, I did. And I trusted that He knew best when He moved us here, right? Yes, I did. So do I trust Him to leave me here until He sees fit for us to move? Do I really trust His perfect timing?

I started to stutter and stammer and got sweaty hands trying to "reason" out a correct answer. You know how that is, right? You know the answer deep in your heart but you try to find another one that is the "right" answer. The pretty answer... wrapped in a nice bow. Oh the pridefulness...

And that is when I really started looking at what it really means to be content. I wasn't quite sure what it was, I just knew that I wasn't.

I haven't been checking the company's job postings. I haven't even looked at real estate. I've been here... in the now. And focusing on what my life is right now. Right now, I live in Richmond, Virginia. Right now, I have a 6, 3, and 8 month old. Right now, I am a stay at home, homeschooling mama. Right now, my husband is in the position he is in and doing a mighty fine job at it, if I may say so myself. Right now... this is where I am. And one day, when and if God sees fit, things will change. But for now... I am right here and each day I have to actively choose to be content.