Father's Day and the Biggest Roadblock to my Faith..

I asked Christ into my heart as a teenager but my faith never blossomed and I never grew. I was a baby Christian and very trapped. And it took me YEARS to break free.

I was trapped in a cycle. And I want to share this with you to prevent others from being trapped or other parents trapping their own children.

The scenario usually went like this:

Try really hard to be a good Christian----> Fall very, very short ---> Hide from God.

Then eventually, I'd try again, fearful that God wouldn't accept me anyway, and it always ended with falling short and hiding from God.

It took me years and years to first realize that I never could really hide from God. But that post is for another day.

I was finally set free, when I heard a sermon explaining the unconditional love of God and what that truly means. It was a foreign concept to me. You mean, I can fall short.. and I'm still loved? I can stray, come back, repent, and He'll still welcome me with open arms?

The answer, friends, is Y-E-S!

Some of you are probably saying "Really, Stephanie? You had no concept of unconditional love?"

And the answer is sadly "Yes, I had no idea. I had never been shown unconditional love.. not even human unconditional love." (Because I realize that humans are NOT perfect like God.)

I do not know my biological father. I've begged and pleaded with my mother for the information and never been told. Doctors have pressed me for health information for my biological children (and some of their health issues) and I've NEVER been able to answer any of it.

I've had two step-dads and while each one tried to convince me that they loved me and they'd always be there for me, neither of them are. The man that was my "Daddy" for 13 years, turned his back and walked away when he and my mother were divorced-- even after he promised he'd always be my daddy. Unconditional love wasn't there.

My mother only shows me love when she is in complete control of my life and when she thinks I make her look good. And that hasn't happened since well before I was 17 years old... before she kicked me out on Mother's Day 2001.

So yes, really, I had NO IDEA what unconditional love truly looked like. Once that was explained, my faith grew in leaps and bounds and then I experienced love from my husband, Brandon. He loves me as unconditionally as a human being can.

If you don't understand that God loves you unconditionally, you can't grow in a relationship with Him. God loves me with my faults, my hurts, my weaknesses, my past. He loves ME, no matter what.. sins and all. God is love! He loved me so much, He gave His only Son! For ME!

Don't you dare pity me, I have a perfect Father!!!!

So now you are probably thinking "What does this have to do with Father's Day?"

To my friends that have children: help your children understand God's unconditional love for them, by showing your children unconditional love. Show your children unconditional love by showing your spouse unconditional love. (I'm obviously not talking about cases with abuse.) I'm talking about commitment here. I know you are human and not perfect like God, but try. Don't stunt your child's spiritual growth. God's love is a foundation to your child's faith! It will do a wonder for their faith and understanding of God and His love.

I'm moved to tears thinking about Brandon loving our babies unconditionally. He loves them when they frustrate him, he loves them when they are stubborn, he loves them when they are good, he loves them when they are disobedient, he loves them when they are funny and crazy and everything in between. He loves my child from a previous marriage, he loves our biological children, he loves our adopted child. He loves the girls, he loves the boys. He loves the ones he has a ton in common with and the ones that he struggles to find common ground with. My children have NO DOUBT that their Daddy loves them-- and this makes it so.much.easier. to teach them that their Father loves them too. I'm blessed to parent our four with Brandon!

To all my friends: Know that God loves YOU unconditionally! He does!

~Steph

PS: DeLainey's adoption was final June 3, 2011. She is over the moon excited to legally have Brandon's last name although she has used it informally for quite some time, by choice. It hasn't changed anything in our day to day life and she still isn't quite sure what the big deal is since this is all she knows, but it has brought an amazing amount of peace to my heart. It has been a very special Father's Day here at the Bee House!

God Knows...

I'm typing from our temporary diningroom table at 1:45am. (kind of long story)

I can't sleep. Despite the antihistimine cocktail I took earlier and a busy day.

I just have to laugh. It seems God takes the most type A people and calls them to adoption. You think you like things to go "just so"? SUREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... walk down this path with unknowns. Unknown waiting times, unknown mounds of paperwork.. and do it with joy!

I was on the phone with a sweet friend last week and she said "Steph, my goal in life is to do everything with joy. If I can't do it with joy, then something has got to give."

Oh yeah.. and she told me this during a trial. I've heard her voice telling me that same quote over and over this week.

So as I wait for the word that our homestudy is approved... (should be *any* day now) I'm living with joy. I'm soaking up time with Solomon as our baby(est), Xander as an adventurous toddler, Julianne as an artist extraordinaire and Lainey as an bookworm. Brandon and I are spending lots of time together talking and playing games. I'm tying up loose ends on my To Do list.

And I'm dying to get our paperwork to our placing agency and see if we can match with a baby boy that I noticed several months ago on their website. And I thought surely he wouldn't still be listed when we were ready... But he is...

As Julianne would say "Mommy has ants in her pants!" :)

Yes, I do. But God knew that when He put the dream of adopting in my heart. He knew it before I was born. Before my little type A personality came out. He KNEW.

Cracks me up.

So tonight, I'm going to attempt to sleep before another day of clicking refresh on my email window at least 479237489157231758913759230582357235 times starts again-- hoping to see the glorious words APPROVED so I can call and have it faxed to our placing agency!!!



~Steph

The Hardest Part

For me, the hardest part of the adoption process isn't the homestudy. I'm a list maker and checker by nature. So seeing the list of documents/things that are required doesn't seem daunting. Sure I think some of the things we have to provide are a bit ridiculous, but the list itself doesn't feel daunting. I go through and gather things and check them off the list. I make the appointments and check those off of the list. Sometimes I skip something and come back to it. But it all eventually gets checked off.

The wait doesn't feel like the hardest part. Although let's face it, matching with Xander happened at record speed and we aren't officially waiting yet this time.

The hardest part is looking at the situations and deciding who to send our homestudy and profile to for matching purposes.

This past Thursday, I recieved an email about a possible adoption situation from our social worker. The little boy just turned 3. His picture was adorable. The email told a bit about a special need he had. I emailed the agency the child is listed with and asked for more information. And then I realized it was 4:48pm.

Being the highly impatient person I am and knowing that most agencies close at 5, I prayed and then called the office and asked to speak with the social worker. She answered a few questions and then sent me an email with more information.

I read over the notes. And my heart broke as I read each sentence. I googled, ALOT! This child has had a rough start, to put it mildly. I wrestled with the decision.

I spoke with Brandon and after prayer, we decided that this isn't a situation we feel comfortable with for many reasons. And my heart broke again.

We aren't looking for a perfect child. In fact, we've requested to be homestudy approved for a child with special needs. But this situation was just something that we don't feel qualified to handle even with the amazing resources available to us.

This is the hardest part. The saying no. I have no doubts that we will know when to say yes. The peace was amazing when I said yes (ahem.. before talking to Brandon!) to be presented for Xander's situation. (Yes, I did call him and make sure after I jumped the gun. Don't worry!)

Sometimes you think that you are a great fit for a situation and never to hear back. In 2009, Brandon and I sent our homestudy to two different social workers in two different states for two different situations and never heard back.

In the meantime, we pray and we remind ourselves that God has already chosen which child is ours.

~Steph

Struggling with a lack of transparency...

I'm an all or nothing kind of person. And there are TWO major parts of my life that I can't openly blog about, so I struggle with sharing anything at all.

One I should be able to share soon but the other will take quite some time. Both items have kept me on my knees in prayer. Both have caused massive panic attacks and loss of sleep. Both have brought up painful experiences from my past.

I'm not who I once was. I'm stronger than I once was because I now call upon Jesus Christ in times of need and I lean upon Him for my strength. I will not disobey God even though I can't see what He is doing. It's scary for someone as uptight as me to not know what the outcomes will be. But I trust that God is good and loves me. And I know that He will never leave me.

(I'm sure this sounds like a bit of rambling without knowing the issues. As soon as I can share, I will. I just wanted to explain the sudden inactivity on my blog.)

I've turned off the news..

There is only so much sensationalized hype that I can watch. My flesh wants to watch it more and more... as if what the new anchor says is the end all, be all.

I quickly forget that there is One that truly knows what will happen in my future.

So instead of watching the news rehash things over and over that I can't control, I've turned them off and tuned them out. I'm looking instead at what God says about being anxious and provision.

Here is what God's Word says about provision:

"Do not worry then, saying, "What will we eat?' or "What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing' For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." -Matthew 6:31-33

"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" - Matthew 7:11

"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows." - Luke 12:7

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything; you may have an abundance for every good deed." -2 Corinthians 9:8

"And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:19

"I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread." -Psalm 37:25

Verses about worry:

"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?" - Matthew 6:25

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:34

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." -Philippians 4:6

"Casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares about you." -1 Peter 5:7

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
-Isaiah 41:10

Father, I know there are very scared people out there right now. Give them comfort and peace. Let them find rest in You. I love You and praise You. In Your Son's most precious name, Amen.

~Steph