Stumbling or Falling?

Oh I love when something happens with my children and I feel that nudge from the Holy Spirit! All morning I've been reeling and writing this post in my head!

For those of you that haven't gotten to meet our Julianne, she is such a blessing. One of the things that has amazed me in raising a larger family has been watching the similarities and differences among our children. Gifts and areas of opportunity sometimes overlap but sometimes they are completely different from child to child.

Our Julianne is a sweet girl. She can be a little shy. She makes a friend easily and her love language is touch. I can calm her in a matter of moments if I can touch her. She loves it when I rub her back during service, or hold hands with her. Or when I brush her hair out of her face. She gives out hugs often. She dances to her own little beat and is witty beyond her years.

She is also very afraid of heights. I'm not talking rollercoasters or skyscrapers, even stairs frighten her.

At our church, we have several flights of stairs that you can go up or down depending on which area of the church you are trying to get to. It's taken me a few months to figure out these stairs because I am directionally challenged. For Julianne, these stairs challenge her every week.

Most weeks she stands at the top with tears in her eyes and we have to coax her down. She will step down, then bring the other foot to the same stair, then go down to the next stair. She doesn't alternate feet and stairs. Nope. One stair at a time. All while desperately clinging to the rail, with her Bible bag draped on her arm. Most of the time, she will leave her hands planted on one part of the rail and step down and have her body all stretched out because she is scared to move her hand down the rail a little. We've shown her how to slide her hand down so that she doesn't even have to let go. Cognitively she knows she has to move her hand down, but she usually takes quite some time before she will do it.

But this week... this week, she started down the stairs. And she immediately started to get upset as she yelled out "I'm falling!!!!" I was in front of her on the stairs walking down and Brandon was behind her. She has never fallen down these stairs or any that I can remember.

She wasn't really going anywhere. She was still standing, grasping the rail so hard that her little knuckles were white.

Brandon called out down the stairs, "Baby, you are okay! You just stumbled! You didn't fall! Daddy is right here..." And a little tear slipped out onto her cheek.

Stumbled.. you didn't fall and I'm right here.

And I felt that quickening in my soul...

We got down those stairs and I stopped her right before she walked into large group time, to wipe her cheek and comfort her.

And I told her "You did it!" She flashed a quick grin and said "Yup! And I didn't fall! Daddy was there!" And I nodded yes.

And then her grin disappeared as quickly as it had arrived.

"But Momma, what if I did fall?" I assured her that if she had fallen, Daddy would get her and pick her up and dust her off... and that she could try the stairs again another day but she had to keep going and keep trying.

And I felt that quickening again.

I walked to my class in my own little world trying to process what was going on in my heart.

Here's the application:

No matter how many times we walk the stairs, they may still look scary. Just like Julianne's Daddy was there ready to catch her, so is God. Just like Julianne was scared to fall, sometimes we are too. Sometimes we think we are falling and we are really only stumbling. Sometimes we cling to things so hard, that we can't do what we are meant to do. Julianne was desperately clinging to the stair rail so hard that she couldn't reach the next step. Instead of sliding her hand down the rail, she was stuck. But if Julianne would have skipped the stairs and taken the elevator, would she still have learned that she can walk the stairs?

Are you taking the elevator in your life? Or are you taking the "scary" stairs? When you feel like you are you falling, are you really or are you only stumbling? If you did fall, would you try it again? Are you desperately clinging to something that is keeping you from being able to freely walk?

Father, open my eyes to things that I am avoiding, by taking the elevator instead of going the scary way. Remove the fear from me, so I can go that way. Reassure me that if I fall, You will catch me, in only a way that You can. Allow me to loosen my grip on whatever I am clinging to desperately, so I freely walk and if I must cling, allow me to cling onto You. I love You and praise You. Amen!

~Steph

The Tiniest of Adoption Updates

Today I got an email scheduling a phone call for tomorrow. So tomorrow I'll have a phone conference with social worker about a potential match for a baby girl.

Did you just read the last word of that sentence? It makes me go "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..."

Maybe Julianne's prayers are going to be answered... (See what I mean here and here.)

If all goes well, then I'll sign a release of information and she will call and speak with our homestudy agency. Our homestudy worker is on vacation, so she'll have to speak with one of the other social workers.

So.. if you could pray for the phone call to go smoothly tomorrow, I'd greatly appreciate it. The time is listed as somewhere between 9am and 3 pm (eastern time.) Oh and you could pray that the children cooperate and that maybe World War 4 not break out while I'm on the phone.. that would be greatly appreciated too! Brandon will be at work so I'll be holding down the fort by myself.

~Steph

PS: Oh and the baby boy that we were hoping to match with (the one I nicknamed SB) isn't a possibility anymore. That situation got a little weird and we've taken it off of our radar.

Closes?

Sometimes after the bustle of the day winds down, I sit in the quiet and process my day. And sometimes after I do that, I find myself smiling and giggling to myself as I secretly wish I could stop time for just a few days so I can soak up my children.

Tonight, as I was procrastinating finishing up my side job's assignment for today, I found myself replaying a conversation that took place during a double diaper change. (I change Xander then Solomon, one right after the other.)

I had my back to the girls because I was standing facing the boys' closet where our changing table and dresser are located. My hands were pulling up Xander's shorts when I heard Julianne's voice from behind me. "Momma, what is that up there?" I glanced over my shoulder quickly and realized she was eyeing a stack of clothes on the top shelf. They are the tiniest boy attire that we own and I had quickly plucked them out of an unsorted drawer before laying Xander and Solomon down for a nap that afternoon.

Turning back around to kiss Xander before I put him back on the ground and repeating the mundane task, this time with a smaller tushie, I said "Baby boy clothes."

Now, Julianne isn't one to just take the short answer these days. And as my hands flew over the snaps on Solomon's outfit, I heard a small voice ask, "Baby boy closes? For what?"

As I wiped Solomon's nose with a baby wipe I said "Maybe for the new baby."

And without missing a beat, Julianne said, "We are 'dopting a girl baby."

I quickly answered back, "Julianne, we don't know for sure we are adopting a girl baby," as lowered Solomon to the floor. I gathered some laundry and the two diapers and started to leave the nursery.

And she sniped a quip back. "So Momma, where are the girl closes?"

I told her they were in a bin and that I hadn't had a moment to sort through them yet, but that we didn't have a ton of girl things leftover from when she was a baby.

She was satisfied with my answer but I heard her say softly before I left the room, "Well... then I guess we have to go shopping for girl closes, huh?"

I love that she says closes instead of clothes. It's the whole pluralization/possessiveness thing that she hasn't quite grasped grammatically yet. And yet, I love that she is able to form an argument of sorts and problem solve. No girl closes? No problem.. I know how to solve this-- Let's shop. And again, I love that she is so excited about a new sibling.

One day, when she says clothes, I'll long for these days. And it's after processing my busy days, that I realize that this is a season. A season that won't last forever.

May we all embrace the season we are in now.

~Steph

Orthopedist Outcome...

Photo Credits

Friday we had an appointment for Lainey to have a second opinion (technically third since we saw a doc in Georgia too!) for her tippy toe walking. She is an idiopathic toe walker meaning that she walks on her toes for an unknown reason. When she was a baby, she always pushed up on tippy toes and she never outgrew it. (Many children do.)

When Lainey was younger, we did physical therapy to stretch her legs and attempt to keep her range of motion.

When she was 5, we had AFO braces made for her to keep her from going up on tippy toes and encourage a normal rolling pattern. They worked, when she was able to wear them. Unfortunately, her hands and feet perspire ALOT (hyperhidrosis) and between the moisture and her braces, it often caused blisters and skin irritations. Then she'd have to come out of the braces and she'd be right back up on her tippy toes.

When she was 6, we did a summer of serial casting. They casted her feet with her toes pulled upward to stretch her Achilles tendon, that had shortened over years of not stretching it. If you don't stretch it, it doesn't grow. She did two sets of double casts to the knee. It was a miserable summer but it had to be done. She could walk with the walking boots at the end of the casts.

Within maybe 2 weeks of coming out of the casts, she was right back up on her tippy toes. At that point we were told to remind her (as if I had not!) to stay on her flat feet and to roll her feet. We were told there was a small chance that she could have botox injections to weaken her overly active muscles. That was quickly taken off of the table and we were told our only option was surgery. But we were told that most likely the surgery would not work. So we continued to remind Lainey to roll her feet.

When we had our first appt with our family doctor, I mentioned her tippy toe walking and he encouraged me to seek a second opinion and gave me the name of another orthopedist. So that is where we had our appt this week.

This doctor had infinitely better people skills and after examining Lainey, she doesn't believe that it is the Achilles tendon that needs lengthened. She says it is the gastroc muscle (aka gastrocnemius muscle.) I asked a zillion questions and she patiently answered them.

What's the difference?

The gastroc. muscle is one that goes all the way up to your knee. When Lainey bends her knee (taking the pressure off of her gastroc muscle) she CAN bend her toes up much further than when her foot is held straight. If it was her Achilles tendon, then she wouldn't have that ability.

So what does that mean?

It means that Lainey doesn't have to have her Achilles tendon cut in half (!!!!) to lengthen it. It is a much less stressful surgery for her body to go through because it is less invasive. Dr. K seems to think that if we would have done the tendon surgery that it wouldn't have worked because that isn't the problem! Thank you Jesus for giving me the gut feeling to not go ahead with surgery with the last doctor.

Why do you have to do anything?

Well your heal doesn't widen/grow unless you put weight on it. Lainey has the same size heal as say.. Xander. Buying shoes is nearly impossible. Also, God made our joints with a specific purpose. When you start putting pressure on the wrong joints, there are consequences. Her toes/the end of her foot is starting to show issues. Also, her hips, lower back and knees are all showing issues.

So what are the details?

Lainey will have a 2-3 inch incision site on the inside of her calf. It will be day surgery in September. Dr. K doesn't see the point in ruining a summer of playing and swimming since she has waited this long. She will be casted while in surgery and will have that first set of casts taken off 4 weeks after surgery. At that point, they will decide if she needs a second set. When casting is done, she will have physical therapy to build up her muscles/reteach her how to walk properly. The length of physical therapy will depend on Lainey's cooperation and how well she recovers.

And then what?

Then we start with Julianne. Julianne has not had anything done other than the stretching because she still has the ability to sit in a W. (You know that uncomfortable position kids sit in with their legs out to the side in a W? That!) Her ligaments and such were still loose enough that our old orthopedist said there was no point in doing anything. And then in the same breath he said 5 is a major boundary as far as having this fixed. (Remember, Lainey is 8 and Julianne is 5 now.) So, Julianne has some time but we will need to address this. Julianne is a candidate for the botox injections and then serial casting. Dr. K sees no point in me having two in casts together, so we are going to prioritize Lainey since she is getting further from the ideal therapeutic window. Then Julianne will do hers. And guess what.. not the tendon again... It's the gastroc. muscle causing hers too. If botox/casting doesn't work, then we will have to have the same surgery for Julianne.

Thank you for the prayers! We appreciate each and every prayer said on our behalf..

~Steph

Happy 5th Birthday, Julianne Arissa!!!

Birthday season has really been busy this year! (All of the children were born in Feb-June with only March as a break!)

Dear Julianne,

Goodness me! Time has flown. My pregnancy with you was the hardest but I always knew that you'd be worth it. We fought to conceive you and we fought to carry you as long as I did. I had faith that God was going to allow you to come to us even when things looked bleak. I'll never forget Daddy rubbing my hair while I was in the operating room. I was so curious about what was going on, on the other side of the blue curtain. Daddy peaked and said "You don't want to know!" Did I mention he was white as a ghost? All I wanted was to hear you cry and the first thing my OB said was "Mom, her lungs are fine." You really let those nurses have it!

You are growing up to be such a sweet, lively little girl. Your nickname has been "Sass" and "Sassy" since you were old enough to talk. You earned it honestly and for quite some time you had a very smart mouth. Overtime, it's turned into quick wit and hilariousness with a touch of sass, but you've definitely learned to reign that in.

You live life with exuberance. You smile easily. You love thoroughly! I don't know who is more excited about our next adoption, you or me. But your face lights up when you talk about "another brother or sister." Every time you see baby clothes you say "Oh this would be PER-FECT for the new baby!"

Just recently, I asked you what if the baby was a boy instead of the girl you've prayed for and you answered "It'll still be a baby and that is all that matters." Well said, my sweetie.

You feel everything to extremes and while that means that when you are happy, you are really happy, it also means when your feelings are hurt, they are very hurt. This past year you've learned that Mommy appears unaffected when you tell her that you aren't friends with her anymore. While it pierced my heart, you had to learn that I'm mommy first. I will always love you to the moon and back.

You and I are so much alike and while at times it causes us to butt heads, it also means that I can read your mind and predict your reactions usually. You also look most like me and I have to say, it's pretty amazing looking into "my" eyes when we look at each either.

I pray that you continue to live life to the fullest. I pray that you always love your youngest siblings as much as you do right now. I pray that you are always the little firecracker that you are. I pray that you never lose your stubborness but instead learn to channel it to the things that really matter.

I can't wait to see who you turn out to be. But remember our conversation in the van today. No matter how big you are, no matter how many "fingers" or "hands" you are, no matter how tall you are--you will always be my baby. I'll always be your safe place to land and I'll always be your corner. No matter what.

Love you to the moon and back, times infinity,

Momma

Baby/Children Love is Contagious

So Julianne has prayed for a little sister since we started our first adoption in 2009.

Enter Xander.

She continued to pray for a little sister when I found I was pregnant.

Enter Solomon.

When we told the girls that we are going to start the process to adopt again, Julianne asked "Mommy, are we going to get a girl this time?"

I explained that I didn't know and that we might get a boy (we don't plan to specify gender this time either). Then I told her no matter if our baby is a girl or a boy, we will most certainly get the child God intends for our family.

Her response was:

"Well, Mommy, we could get a girl AND a boy at the same time. I know that is called twins. Wouldn't that be SO much fun? What would we name the little boy?"

I just had to laugh.

Wise vs. Smart

I was busy changing Xander's diaper and Julianne was talking to Solomon.

This is what I overheard:

Julianne: "Solomon... don't cry... Momma will be right back. We have to wait our turn you know..."

Solomon: (lips quivering and then let's out a huge wail)

Julianne: "So Solomon.. what can we talk about? You have a nice name.... Everyone says Solomon was wise when they hear your name.... So..... (looks around) what is 2+2?"

Solomon: stares intently at Julianne.

Julianne: "Lainey, I think Momma named him wrong... He doesn't know 2+2!"

Lainey: "Julianne, he doesn't know how to talk... Xander only says a few words! And he can't do Math!"

Julianne: "But Daddy called you smart when you did your math!"

I think we need to discuss wise vs. smart huh? And tell her for the 1 millionth time that he'll have to learn to be wise...his name didn't give it to him!

Thank you Father, for my children, that keep me on my toes and keep me laughing. You know exactly what kind of hard night I had with the hives and yet today, I was given yet another story to laugh about involving my children. I can't wait to share how awesomely You've provided for our growing family. Your blessings continue to pour out as we follow Your will and ignore the world.

~Steph

PS: Friends, I have an appointment tomorrow with an allergist. Please pray for me to have some answers. I'm on month 10 or so of hives and nothing I've tried has helped. I was supposed to go without antihistimines for three days before this appointment and somewhere around hour 50 I had to give up... Not sure what that means for tomorrow.

I'll never have carpet again....

A few days ago, I was cleaning out some paperwork and I ran across some medical invoices and Explanation of Benefits sheets and I was a little disturbed. See, Julianne at the age of 4 months was diagnosed with bronchiolitis and then RSV. We did around the clock breathing treatments and visited our doctor several times a week because the treatments weren't helping and I felt like a helpless, terrified mama. Many times, our pediatrician would double her breathing treatments and put her on a pulse ox machine or give her a different med in the office. It was terrifying but the pediatrician really was trying to keep her home with us and not have her hospitalized.

After all of that, she was never the same. She became winded easier. She started to fall off of the growth chart. Every cold went to her chest, she wheezed alot and the doctor visits continued. Our pharmacist kept Xopenex in stock just for Julianne because we used it so often in her nebulizer and we had two nebulizers... just in case. My life revolved around breathing treatments and it got to the point that if she slept in after her normal time I'd worry that she had stopped breathing.

After feeling like we weren't getting anywhere, I pushed for a pediatric pulmonologist referral. The soonest they could see us was 3 months away. I called and asked to be put on their cancellation list. And one day the nurse called and told me I had an hour to get Julianne's radiology records and get us both down to MCG- there was a cancellation. I boogied it right on down there.

I'm so glad that I did! The visit was so productive! Julianne's diagnosis was changed from Reactive Airway Disease to all out Asthma. Most doctors really wait to label asthma because of insurance issues. But our ped pulm decided that our insurance was already acutely aware of Julianne's respiratory situation and all future insurance companies would be too. She also sent Julianne for an upper GI and found that she was still refluxing. Even after reflux usually resolves itself. Reflux can irritate the nerve endings in the chest and can trigger asthma attacks. She put her back on reflux meds (long after the ped had taken her off) but this time prescribed a solutab instead of a liquid that burned her already irritated throat.

Her nurse practioner taught Julianne to use an inhaler with a spacer and that made her meds so much more convenient for us.. all of us. An inhaler with a spacer means it takes a few minutes instead of 20 plus for a nebulizer treatment. She changed her meds from Xopenex to Qvar and Albuterol and I had a new child within days. She still made me very nervous but it wasn't as bad. She continued to have issues with colds, etc.

Fast forward.... November 30, 2008, we moved to Richmond, Virginia to an all hardwood, linoleum and tiled rental. We braced ourselves for our first Virginia winter. And nothing happened. No colds, upper respiratory infections, no need for her inhaler, nothing.

Fast forward again: December 2009, still nothing. She has had small colds, but nothing has gone to her chest like it did before. Our pediatrician is shocked when he looks over her history and then notes that she has no issues now except ongoing periodic reflux.

Looking back, I see a few things. We built and moved into a brand new house in September 2006. And Julianne's issues started that very October/November which is also right around the time that you start putting your baby on the floor for playtime. Some might say it was something in Georgia she was allergic to... but even here in Virginia, if she is in a home with carpet for an extended period of time, she breathes much differently. In fact it is the same as if she is in a home in Georgia with carpet. I'm convinced it is the fact that we do not have carpet in our home here. I think the brand new carpet in the home we built was something that triggered her respiratory issues. And I'm just so glad we've found a way to make her better without pumping her full of medications.

And in the future, none of my future homes will have carpet if I have anything to say about it.

The apple.. ahem.. strawberry? doesn't fall far from the tree.. And my name is Julianne!

So the Sunday that Auntie Karon was coming in, we dashed around town running last minute errands. She is incredibly hard person to shop for. But what girl doesn't like chocolate? I mean she's a woman but do we ever really outgrow our need for chocolate? I sure don't think so.

I knew Augusta didn't have a Godiva and my aunt is FAAAAR too practical to buy Godiva for herself. BINGO! A great gift right?

Brandon had a huge smile on his face and said "NO chocolate covered strawberries for the baby!" as he looked down at my belly. I leaned over and said "Did you hear that Baby G_____ (name not announced) Daddy says NO chocolate strawberries."

Suddenly from the back, I heard "I is allowed to have strawberries... and my name... is Julianne!" Silly girl thought I'd called her the wrong name and told her she couldn't have strawberries. It was hilarious!

Well Godiva is in our outdoor mall... and it was cold so we rushed in and made a mad dash across the mall (of course we couldn't park near the Godiva.. we aren't natives and have no idea where Godiva is in relation to the various parking lots!)

As soon as we opened the door to enter Godiva, my girls both started sniffing. You can SMELL the chocolate there. Julianne began pushing air towards her nose and inhaling deeply and then she began to look around. She looked a little like Charlie when he entered Willy Wonka's factory.

We picked the gift and Brandon stood in line to pay. He cannot resist batting eyelashes and so he got two cones of chocolate covered strawberries. One was dark chocolate and one was milk chocolate.

When we got to the van, I gave each girl 2 stawberries and I stressed for Julianne not to eat the tops. A few minutes later, we were stuck in traffic and I asked Julianne where her strawberry tops were and she said in her carseat. I asked her to pass them up to me and this is what I saw:




Not a single drop of chocolate or strawberry left on the tops... and that my friends, is how I know that she was not switched at the hospital. She is definately mine. ;)