And the biggest struggle of my life. For far too long, it's been engrained in me to keep striving, changing, to push through my circumstances for the next thing.
Moving here has highlighted my lifelong struggle with contentment. When we first moved here, I prayed for God to show us a clear reason for our move here. And then we started the adoption process and were matched with Xander. He was born 12 miles from our rental. DING! DING!DING! I thought.. we have our reason.
And then we did our six months of placement, our three post-placement visits with our adoption worker and his adoption was finalized on December 22.
And after thanking God for all He did in that whole process... my next thought was "So.. um.. what is next?"
I was impatiently waiting for Brandon to get a promotion, get the raise that goes along with it and move on to the next thing. Whether that means to move back to Augusta or move to another location, I'm ready... and impatient. And it stinks.
I was SO discontent, that I searched his company's job posting website on a regular basis. I googled the towns that have the same kind of offices, looked up the states homeschool laws, looked at real estate and churches and the general cost of living. I walked around our apartment and thought about "When we pack this next..." or "Maybe we won't take that next time."
I found myself going over my moving checklist I made myself last time and editing it. Since I had one long distance move under my belt, I knew better what to expect for the next time, right? I found myself looking at our savings and longing for it to reach an amount that we could move even if Brandon isn't offered help with relocation expenses.
I got antsy... and one morning, during my quiet time, when I actually prayed for "our next move in Your perfect timing" I suddenly felt convicted. I mean... I trusted God for our move here right? Yes, I did. And I trusted that He knew best when He moved us here, right? Yes, I did. So do I trust Him to leave me here until He sees fit for us to move? Do I really trust His perfect timing?
I started to stutter and stammer and got sweaty hands trying to "reason" out a correct answer. You know how that is, right? You know the answer deep in your heart but you try to find another one that is the "right" answer. The pretty answer... wrapped in a nice bow. Oh the pridefulness...
And that is when I really started looking at what it really means to be content. I wasn't quite sure what it was, I just knew that I wasn't.
I haven't been checking the company's job postings. I haven't even looked at real estate. I've been here... in the now. And focusing on what my life is right now. Right now, I live in Richmond, Virginia. Right now, I have a 6, 3, and 8 month old. Right now, I am a stay at home, homeschooling mama. Right now, my husband is in the position he is in and doing a mighty fine job at it, if I may say so myself. Right now... this is where I am. And one day, when and if God sees fit, things will change. But for now... I am right here and each day I have to actively choose to be content.