I rarely have vivid dreams that I remember... I usually can only remember bits and pieces of a dream about once a week. Usually, it feels very jumbled and confusing since I can't remember the entire dream and make sense of it.
But last nights dream was very different. The last few weeks I've had very vivid dreams.
Last night I went to bed and my spirit just was not settled. I tossed and turned, watched a few shows on On Demand, prayed, got up and walked my usual routine (kids, doors, locks, stove), etc etc. Nothing seemed to settle my spirit.
The last time I looked at the clock it was 6:00 AM. I remember dozing off but not being in a good, deep sleep. I was still very aware of the whirring of my fan.
In my dream, Brandon and I walked up a long flight of stairs into a large building. The door had a metal sign that said "Orphans." We looked at each other, took a deep breath, and walked in the building holding hands.
When we entered it smelled musty... like an old library. It was very quiet and I whispered to Brandon and asked where we should start. He found a seat after taking down a large, heavy book that was leather bound. The pages were tattered when he opened the cover.
In the book, there were pictures of orphans from all over the world. All races were represented and the children were from 0-17. Underneath each picture their country of origin was listed. I discovered every book was like that after I pulled several books down that caught my eye.
We sat there for hours and poured over the books.. flipping pages, crying and smiling at the sweet smiles looking back at us. It was hard for me to look in the children's eyes. So many had eyes filled with sadness, hurt and fear even if they had a smile on their face.
Then an elderly lady with a tight, silver bun came over and told us that we had to pick and that our time was almost up. Brandon and I held our breath and looked up at her and I asked between sobs.. "How do you pick? How do you decide one is more 'worthy' than another? They are all children!" She looked over her reading glasses at me, shrugged and then walked away.
She was pushing a cart with a stack of books on it. The cart had a label that said "Too Late." I can only assume that the children in the books stacked on the cart had "aged out" and were no longer eligible for adoption.
I heard a bell start to chime and Brandon and I were frantically flipping through the pages... We just couldn't choose!
And then I woke up--with a tear stained face and pillow. I've felt odd all morning... and I can't figure out what my dream was supposed to mean. I do know that dream shook me to my core.. and I'm sure I'll never forget it.